Getting Started

Have you ever had a situation where you know that if you can just muster up the energy to get through the next few days or even weeks, things will calm down in the end? Then you'll have a few days of down time before the busyness begins again.

Like when all your kids have a sports banquet, a game to which you must bring snacks, a party at school that you agreed to come up with a game or activity for, and friend's birthday party, all in the same week. 

That's kind of what life feels like right now. Except there isn't an end in sight at the moment, there is no calm after the storm. I'm guessing this is partly the 'new normal' that I'll need to get used to with four children. But it's also partly figuring out how to make our new family, our new life 'work.'

All along the adoption process, we worked toward bringing the children home. It is definitely a milestone we'll celebrate in the years to come, and it's important. But until I lived it, I didn't quite grasp that it's really just the beginning. And it's huge - much bigger than I can even imagine, like one of those cut-away images of an iceberg where you think you can see it all, but there is so, so much more under the surface.

Even though we've been home for seven weeks, we are really just beginning the process of getting to know each other, of figuring out how to make this work, of how to help all four children find their 'place' in the family, adjust to each other, and know they are loved.

Don't get me wrong - we have all come a long way in the nearly two months we've been together and life looks nothing like it did the 10 days in Bulgaria or the first week at home. 

But what I've realized this week (partly in talking to other adoptive moms) is that the attachment and bonding process, and the process of essentially creating a new family dynamic, is not something to which we can assign an end date or expectations.

Really, we're just getting started.

The First Five Weeks

We picked up Naomi and Simon from the social services office on July 21 and came home on July 31, so they have been in the U.S. for five weeks and with us almost seven weeks.

The past couple of months have been very hard, yet the children are all doing 'well' according to what is considered normal in the adoption world. When people ask me how it's going, it's hard to explain. It's very hard at times, yet we can't really expect them to be doing much better at this point. "It just takes time," everyone says.

That's not an answer I usually like to hear. I like to work at things to make them better. If I do X, then Y will happen. If we have A in place, then we can get to Z by the end of the week or month. Results. I should know by now that children do not always follow my neat little plans, and especially now, when all four children are grieving losses from the life they used to know.

So, I do my best, try to 'be there' for everyone, and wait. Our adoption agency told us that the first three months are all about survival. (Similar to having a newborn!) I do feel like we're doing better than just surviving, but it's still hard work and I need to not put too many expectations on their progress, whether with learning English (for Naomi and Simon) or getting along (for everyone).

School

Originally we planned to keep Naomi and Simon home for a few months to adjust to life here before enrolling them in school. However, when we were in Bulgaria, we got some very strong advice to go ahead and enroll them for language and socialization purposes. People who work with adopted children all the time and who knew them best said that they would adjust and attach to us more quickly if they went to school. They both really enjoy school, and we can tell their language is improving dramatically just over the past two weeks. And, they have not tried to pull away from us since school began, which is a positive sign.

Our neighborhood school has all the services and help the kids need - ESL, speech therapy, instructional assistants. I am thankful that we are in the neighborhood for this school. The staff and teachers have been fabulous with making the kids feel welcome and doing their best to help them.

So, what do I do all day when they are in school? Basically, I get ready for the onslaught of homework, activities, dinner, bath, and bed. Naomi and Simon cannot really be left unsupervised for long depending on how they are getting along, so I do all the laundry, cleaning, meal prep, shopping, etc. while they are gone. And, I try to get some exercise and have some down time. Todd will go back to work part-time next week, so I will still have him here to help during those after school hours, and I'm hoping that by the time he goes back full-time, we will be in a pretty smooth routine that I can handle on my own.

We appreciate everyone who has prayed for us and supported us during the process to bring Naomi and Simon home. The hard work has just begun, though, so keep on praying - we are thankful for you!