Getting Started

Have you ever had a situation where you know that if you can just muster up the energy to get through the next few days or even weeks, things will calm down in the end? Then you'll have a few days of down time before the busyness begins again.

Like when all your kids have a sports banquet, a game to which you must bring snacks, a party at school that you agreed to come up with a game or activity for, and friend's birthday party, all in the same week. 

That's kind of what life feels like right now. Except there isn't an end in sight at the moment, there is no calm after the storm. I'm guessing this is partly the 'new normal' that I'll need to get used to with four children. But it's also partly figuring out how to make our new family, our new life 'work.'

All along the adoption process, we worked toward bringing the children home. It is definitely a milestone we'll celebrate in the years to come, and it's important. But until I lived it, I didn't quite grasp that it's really just the beginning. And it's huge - much bigger than I can even imagine, like one of those cut-away images of an iceberg where you think you can see it all, but there is so, so much more under the surface.

Even though we've been home for seven weeks, we are really just beginning the process of getting to know each other, of figuring out how to make this work, of how to help all four children find their 'place' in the family, adjust to each other, and know they are loved.

Don't get me wrong - we have all come a long way in the nearly two months we've been together and life looks nothing like it did the 10 days in Bulgaria or the first week at home. 

But what I've realized this week (partly in talking to other adoptive moms) is that the attachment and bonding process, and the process of essentially creating a new family dynamic, is not something to which we can assign an end date or expectations.

Really, we're just getting started.

The First Five Weeks

We picked up Naomi and Simon from the social services office on July 21 and came home on July 31, so they have been in the U.S. for five weeks and with us almost seven weeks.

The past couple of months have been very hard, yet the children are all doing 'well' according to what is considered normal in the adoption world. When people ask me how it's going, it's hard to explain. It's very hard at times, yet we can't really expect them to be doing much better at this point. "It just takes time," everyone says.

That's not an answer I usually like to hear. I like to work at things to make them better. If I do X, then Y will happen. If we have A in place, then we can get to Z by the end of the week or month. Results. I should know by now that children do not always follow my neat little plans, and especially now, when all four children are grieving losses from the life they used to know.

So, I do my best, try to 'be there' for everyone, and wait. Our adoption agency told us that the first three months are all about survival. (Similar to having a newborn!) I do feel like we're doing better than just surviving, but it's still hard work and I need to not put too many expectations on their progress, whether with learning English (for Naomi and Simon) or getting along (for everyone).

School

Originally we planned to keep Naomi and Simon home for a few months to adjust to life here before enrolling them in school. However, when we were in Bulgaria, we got some very strong advice to go ahead and enroll them for language and socialization purposes. People who work with adopted children all the time and who knew them best said that they would adjust and attach to us more quickly if they went to school. They both really enjoy school, and we can tell their language is improving dramatically just over the past two weeks. And, they have not tried to pull away from us since school began, which is a positive sign.

Our neighborhood school has all the services and help the kids need - ESL, speech therapy, instructional assistants. I am thankful that we are in the neighborhood for this school. The staff and teachers have been fabulous with making the kids feel welcome and doing their best to help them.

So, what do I do all day when they are in school? Basically, I get ready for the onslaught of homework, activities, dinner, bath, and bed. Naomi and Simon cannot really be left unsupervised for long depending on how they are getting along, so I do all the laundry, cleaning, meal prep, shopping, etc. while they are gone. And, I try to get some exercise and have some down time. Todd will go back to work part-time next week, so I will still have him here to help during those after school hours, and I'm hoping that by the time he goes back full-time, we will be in a pretty smooth routine that I can handle on my own.

We appreciate everyone who has prayed for us and supported us during the process to bring Naomi and Simon home. The hard work has just begun, though, so keep on praying - we are thankful for you!

The Pick-Up Trip

The pick-up trip was very difficult.

In some ways, we would probably like to forget it, but in other ways, it's good to look back and see how far we've come since then.

We left for Bulgaria on July 19 on an overnight flight from Dulles to Frankfurt and on to Sofia. Our flights were smooth and uneventful. We were met at the airport by our Bulgarian agency and an Italian couple who were also on their second trip to pick up their son.

Naomi and Simon

On our first trip to Bulgaria, we had a wonderful guide and translator who got to know the children and told us what she thought we could expect on our second trip and our first weeks and months at home.

We knew that they would both be experiencing great grief, fear, and loss when we picked them up. Though they had been with us for a week in February and had Skyped with us almost weekly since then, they were now trusting us with their lives and that was difficult for both of them. 

Everything we experienced with them was normal for children in their situation, but it was still difficult. They went from a tiny village to a big city (Sofia is home to more than 1 million people), from people who knew them very well to people who they didn't really know them at all, and who didn't speak much of their language. 

They did improve each day, which gave us hope and encouraged us, and since they have been home, many of the behaviors we saw in Sofia have disappeared.

Our days in Bulgaria

Our days included many of the same activities and we tried to have some kind of routine to make things easier for the kids, but it definitely became tedious. We usually had some combination of: walk to the park, take a metro ride to a walking area or park, swim in the hotel pool, have a picnic at the park (lunch, dinner, or both), and most days some kind of adoption paperwork related errand with the agency in Bulgaria.

We would've loved to enjoy some traditional Bulgarian food in restaurants, but the kids just couldn't handle it. The first restaurants they went to were during our first trip in February and they just had no idea how to behave in a restaurant. So, we ended up ordering room service, ordering delivery, or getting inexpensive street food for a picnic in the park. It definitely helped our budget since a slice of pizza is 1 lev (70 cents) but it got old after awhile.

Naomi and Simon had never been swimming. Simon said he had once 'seen' a pool, so it was all totally new for them. Todd and I didn't pack swim suits, so we all headed to the mall to get suits so we could enjoy the hotel pool. In Europe, that means Speedos for the guys. Todd tweeted a photo of him and Simon wearing theirs and it was re-tweeted by a Speedo enthusiast!

We got to know the lifeguards at the pool since we were there often, and we also stood out as Americans with Bulgarian kids. The first lifeguard we met had a Bulgarian friend who lived in the States for the past few years. In Virginia. In Roanoke. What are the chances of that? He had fallen out of touch with the friend and we didn't see him again to try to exchange contact information, but it was still pretty cool. I had been kind of grumbling to God about being kicked out of the apartment and put up in a hotel where it was harder to feed the kids, etc., and that day we met a guy who has a Bulgarian friend in Roanoke.

The visa delay

One of the hardest times we had was finding out that we would be in Bulgaria 'indefinitely' because the U.S. State Department system for issuing passports and visas had crashed and it took them a few days to get it up and running, and then additional time to deal with the backlog. 

We were first told it would likely be a few extra days. When we went for our actual visa appointment at the Embassy, they said everything was back on schedule. Then the day we were supposed to get our visas (less than 24 hours before our flights were scheduled to leave), we were told that the system was down again and it could be "days or weeks." 

That was directly from the U.S. Embassy. I was shocked that such an important system could fail and they would have no idea when it would be up and running again. The U.S. Embassy told us to put our return tickets 'on hold' until we got the visas. Unfortunately, no such thing exists unless you pay full fare, and if you have that much money, you're not worried about the tickets anyway!

It was really hard to tell M and E that we were going to be delayed. Leaving them at home was hard for all of us, and we were all disappointed that the trip was going to be extended.

We ended up getting the visas only one day late and were very blessed to find four tickets on Austrian Air. Unfortunately, the people on the plane with us were not exactly blessed by our presence. I've heard worse stories on adoption blogs and Facebook, but Naomi had three different screaming fits, each lasting about 15 minutes. 

Two started with the same trigger - she had to put on her seat belt. The fasten seat belt light would come on, we would tell her to put it on and she would refuse, then we would ask a flight attendant to tell her to put it on, thinking that they looked 'official' in uniform. That would work initially, but only for a few minutes and she would scream about it. The other episode was about food. Naomi spent some time in an orphanage (we are not sure how long) and food can be a trigger for her. She saw another passenger being served a special meal, ahead of the rest of us, and could not understand that she would be fed too, but had to wait. Once people around us found out why she was screaming, I think (hope?) they were sympathetic, and at least it was a daytime flight, not an overnight, but I'm sure it was no fun to listen to.

Supporting each other

On the Saturday we were in Sofia, we organized a meet up with four other American families who were there picking up their children. One couple from Texas had just arrived and had not yet picked up their children, one mom from Minnesota had been stuck for a few days already with the visa delay, one mom and a friend from Washington were there picking up her daughter, and a couple from South Dakota picked up their daughter earlier in the week.

It was so nice to speak English, see some friendly faces, and support and encourage each other. There is a pretty active Bulgarian adoptions Facebook page where people share information, ask questions, and support one another.

Finally home

After the longest flight of our lives (it actually was since Vienna is farther east than other airports!) we arrived in Dulles and had to wait in the non-U.S. citizen passport control line for two hours to process the kids' visas. Other times I've traveled overseas, I never paid much attention to the non-U.S. line and just breezed through the line for my home country. Even in other countries, I don't think I've waited more than 15 or 20 minutes. I hated that this was international visitors' first impression of America but mostly I hated waiting in that line for so long.

While we were waiting in line, Naomi and Simon kept talking about Sofia. We finally made it to the parking lot shuttle bus and told them we were in America. They seemed surprised and excited, so we wondered if the airports looked similar to them and they thought that we went through the long flight just to end up back in Sofia!

Originally we were going to land at Dulles around noon and drive home. With the change in tickets, we landed later and didn't leave the airport until after 5 p.m. I have no idea how Todd stayed awake to drive us home but I'm glad he did. 

The family together

The children met each other around 9 that evening (July 31). They were all excited after knowing each other only on Skype for the previous five months. Todd and I were glad to be home, but knew that the following weeks would be hard work.

Names

I've read that 80% to 90% of parents who adopt a child (internationally or domestically) change their name. I think there are many reasons for this, but it's probably mostly done to mark a new beginning for the child.

Before we went on our first trip, we weren't sure what we were going to do about names for R and S. Their names are pronounced the way they are spelled, so they would translate easily enough to English, and we talked a little bit about names, but not very much. We researched their Bulgarian names, but did not find a lot of details.

We were leaning toward keeping their names until we spoke with our translator about it and she gave us some very valuable insight. R and S have 'baby' names. They are not names you would typically hear for a Bulgarian adult and are meant more as childhood nicknames, or terms of endearment, not adult names. Kind of like naming your child "Billy" (as his legal name) instead of naming him William and just calling him Billy.

This was sad to think about, because their birth mother was so young when she had the children. She probably didn't have a concept of what an adult name was and I'm sure she did the best she could. Knowing this made it easier to change the children's names. 

R will be Naomi Renee. Naomi means sweet and gentle, which describes her disposition, although she is currently going through the normal grieving process of leaving her foster home and is not always sweet and gentle with Todd and I. Renee means born again and is the English (or French) version of her Bulgarian name.

S will be Simon Alexander. Simon means one who hears from God. Alexander means defender of men, which seems to fit his personality, and his Bulgarian name is a nickname for Alexander.

We wanted to choose names that reflected their heritage and their given names, as well as their personalities. We also wanted to name them so that if they prefer to keep their Bulgarian names as a nickname when they are older, they'll be able to do so.

I think we chose well, even though we had to declare their names (for paperwork) back in February after knowing them for only 3 days. We are trying to remember to call them their American/English names, but it's hard after calling them their Bulgarian names for so long!

What We've Been Up To: Part 3 - Getting Ready

Part three of what we've been up to...

Preparing the house for R and S

Since M and S will share a room and E and R will share a room, we've been working to make space for R and S. A shelf on a bookshelf. Half a closet. Dresser drawers. We don't have a ton of space to give them, but I want R and S to feel like they belong here, not that they are long-term guests. 

We've put pictures of R and S wherever we have pictures of M and E, and I've tried to make everything recent photos rather than baby photos. We still have some de-cluttering work to do and some work in the playroom, but I think things are coming together pretty nicely. R and S have seen their beds a couple of times on our Skype calls and they seem happy and excited. I'm also going to make some movies of the house that we can watch while we're in Bulgaria.

Preparing our hearts for R and S

As I said in the last post, it's going to be really hard at first. We know that, and part of me isn't looking forward to it, but it's all part of the process. I feel like I've loved these kids as my own since I first saw their pictures and first heard about them, so that will make it easier. I can't explain it; I think it's a work of God - he put the desire on our hearts to adopt and is faithful to fill our hearts with the love, grace, and patience we'll need.

Please pray for us, especially while we're in Bulgaria and when we are first home with them. All adoption experts recommend "cocooning" with the children for the first couple months at home. That means we won't be going a lot of places with them - mostly staying home and building trust with them by meeting their basic needs and showing them love. 

So, be patient if it is months until you meet the children - it's in their best interest. If you are wondering how you can help, feel free to contact me about bringing a meal, going to the store for us, or taking M and E to do something fun or to one of their activities. If you are out of town, or can't do those things, just pray for us!

The process of bringing these children home is kind of like giving birth. You prepare a lot of things ahead of time, but you really don't know what you are getting in to, or what you might need, until the children are here. We're as ready as we can be.

What We've Been Up To: Part 2 - Vacations and Saying Yes

Part two of what we've been up to...

Vacation

In June, we were able to go on the annual beach vacation with Todd's family to Ocean Isle Beach, NC. We thought we wouldn't be able to do it this year, but it worked out that we were able to go. It was nice to have the time away and now that the kids are older, a beach vacation is actually relaxing! It was nice to have the time with Miles and Ella and do some of our traditional beach things (mini-golf, ice cream, souvenir shopping) with them one more time before adding other children into the mix. We were also there for Todd's birthday and went to Broadway at the Beach and rode a high-speed "jet boat." It's basically a high-powered speed boat that goes fast and spins around. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was really fun. I highly recommend it!

Saying 'Yes' to M and E

I don't know if there is really a way to prepare any of us for the next few months of life. When R and S come home, it's going to be really hard. That's all there is to it. They will miss their foster families, have to deal with new sights, sounds, smells, and tastes, and won't understand our language and how we do things. 

All that is to say that we will likely be telling M and E 'no' a lot - no, we can't go out to eat; no, we can't go shopping; no, you can't play video games or watch TV right now. So, for the last few months, we've been trying to say 'yes' a lot. We haven't changed any rules about acceptable behavior or let them run wild, or lay in bed all day, but we've made a conscious effort to say yes to their requests instead of saying no.

They are both going to be great older siblings and talk about R and S a lot. They have also gotten out of bed at 7 a.m. on Thursdays to Skype with them - in the summer, that is nice to see!

What We've Been Up To: Part 1 - Counting our Blessings

Once again, my apologies for waiting so long between posts. I don't know how professional bloggers do it - both live life and blog about it - sometimes it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day for both! I started to write a post about what we've been up to, and it got so long, I decided to divide it into 3 posts. Here's part one.

Counting our blessings

Todd and I first talked about adopting even before we were married, so we always paid attention to adoption stories and know a lot of people who have adopted. One thing was always clear - no matter how you do it, adoption is expensive. In our case, with the adoption of siblings, it would cost at least $55,000 just to bring the children home. That doesn't include beds, clothes, toys, shoes, and post-adoption reports.

We started saving for the adoption and getting our finances in order before we began our home study paperwork. We knew it would be expensive, that we would have to make sacrifices, and that we would have to do fundraising because there was no way we could raise all the money ourselves. Todd started teaching online classes to raise money, and we put off vacations, big purchases, and house repairs to save for the adoption.

In the end of April, we were talking about some adoption finances at dinner and Todd asked me how much money we had left in our adoption account. 

"Fifty dollars," was my reply. 

"How much do we need?" he asked. 

"At least $25,000, probably closer to $30,000."

M and E were very concerned - how are we going to pay for the adoption? How are we going to bring R and S home? (Then they offered to give us some of their money. Very cute and appreciated, but we told them to save it.) We told them that we didn't know, but that God would provide a way and that when he did, it would be a really neat story to tell R and S someday. That God so wanted them to be with us, that he did some incredible work to raise the money we needed. And he did.

• Our Both Hands project raised $20,073.09
• We received grants from Show Hope, Gift of Adoption, A Child Waits, Brittany's Hope, and our church
• We raised money with a yard sale and jewelry sale
• People sent us money and gift cards

People have been so generous. And not just people we know. Strangers who said, "keep the change" at our yard sale. Friends of friends who have never even met us and live halfway across the country. Friends of our parents who we've never met and will likely never even meet our children. Donors who give to grant organizations so families like ours can bring home orphans. Just like all the adoption expenses added up to a huge expense, all the donations add up to a huge blessing, and we now have the money we need to pay the final adoption expenses and take our trip to bring R and S home!

Thank you.