My Village

Two weeks ago we had a visit from the social worker who did our home study. Bulgaria requires post-adoption reports at three, six, 12, 18, and 24 months after the children arrive home.

We really enjoy the visits with our social worker. She is very knowledgeable about the issues adopted children and families face in their first months and years at home and always has good suggestions and ideas for us. She will get to know Naomi and Simon well over the next two years as she follows and documents their journey and will be a great source of help to us.

This got me thinking about how great our support system is. In addition to our home study social worker, we have a social worker at our placing agency (the actual 'adoption agency' who facilitates everything with Bulgaria) whose only job is to offer post-adoption support to families who have adopted children from Bulgaria. She is an adoptive mom herself and I've had a couple of very long conversations with her that have been helpful and insightful.

I also started thinking of all the adoptive moms I know who I could call at anytime for advice. There were close to 10. Other moms who know what we're going through and can offer specific advice or just say, "I know, I've been there." In addition to those adoptive moms, there are just as many other friends who would be willing to help in any way they could - friends who brought meals, hand-me-down clothes, drove the big kids to activities, etc. 

The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" became popular when Hillary Clinton wrote a book with that title and it may or may not be a loose translation of an African proverb. It seems that when I hear it most often, people are lamenting the loss of the village mentality. 

It's true that now many people don't live in the same town (or state) as their parents and people tend to keep to themselves more in neighborhoods. But - you can make your own village - it just takes some work, being open and vulnerable, and admitting you need help. (Not always easy for this independent-minded girl.)

I know some people who are in the 'waiting' phase of adoption read this blog, and I just want to encourage you to make a village. Or even if you are home already with adopted children. Ask for help. Find other adoptive moms and have coffee. Tell people how hard it is and think of specific ways they can help you. We are not meant to go it alone, your village is eager to help.

You Don't Understand Me!

Naomi and Simon have both done a great job learning English, both in understanding us at home and in being able to express themselves. If I stop to think about it, it was really very brave of them to go to school after only being with us a month. The school here is much different than their preschool in Bulgaria, and they were thrown into an environment where they had to get along in English. I think about what I would do in a similar situation - it must have been exhausting and frustrating for them but they have done well, worked hard, and enjoy going to school. 

There are only a few words they still say in Bulgarian, and mostly just out of habit. They know the English but I guess it's just easier to use Bulgarian. Words like: I love you, Look!, Dangerous, Broken. Actually - those were some of the words Todd and I used a lot when we first met them!

They are both speaking in sentences and phrases now and one of their favorites is, "You don't understand me!" They will ask for something - Halloween candy before breakfast; watch Sponge Bob before school in the morning; go outside right this minute, not in 5 minutes - that kind of thing. When I tell them, "no," they say, "You don't understand me!" and I say, "Yes, I do understand you, but I'm telling you no."

It's kind of cute, but it got me thinking. Naomi and Simon have mastered elementary English as far as making their basic needs known, telling us about their day, expressing themselves, and words they need to play. But we really don't understand them. We don't understand all they've been through; we don't understand what it feels like to be abandoned; we don't understand living with the uncertainty of whether or not the people who take care of you will abandon you again, or send you somewhere else to live, or be nice to you, or love you, or remember your birthday.

And until they feel safe, and get a little older, and learn even more English so they can express some of that to us, it's hard for us to understand and help them work through their feelings. All we can do right now is provide a home and a family where they can begin to feel safe, have their needs met, and feel love. I need to remind myself of all they've been through and lower my expectations of them at times. 

I need to remember that when they ask for yet another snack, or piece of paper, or something to be stapled (they love staples), what they are really asking is: will she take care of me? will she love me? will she understand me?

Update: Three Months Home

We came home with Naomi and Simon three months ago today. In looking at photos from our trip to Bulgaria or even the first day of school at the end of August, they look like different children. It's good to look back and see that as a reminder of how far they've come.

My apologies for not updating the blog very often. We appreciate everyone who has supported us through the adoption process and we still need your prayers, so I should keep you all updated...but life tends to get in the way. And even if I find the time, there are so many things I could write about, it's hard to put together a concise, coherent blog post! So, today is a random sort of update that will hopefully encourage me to post more often.

Language

Both Naomi and Simon are picking up English well and are both speaking in full sentences at times. There are a few words and phrases that they still say in Bulgarian, but mostly they speak English, even with each other. They definitely understand more than they can say, which is normal for picking up a new language. They have great support at school and it feels like their teachers and helpers and even the administration is really involved in their learning and encouraging them. I'm so thankful for the school! We weren't sure about enrolling them after they had only been home one month, but they love it, the routine is good for them, and they are getting excellent help. 

The Toddler Years...Again

Sometimes I need to remind myself just how different life is for them here than in Bulgaria. Simple things that most of us teach our kids as toddlers, or they just pick up from living with a family from birth, they need to be taught. They really are like toddlers in many of their habits, which can be frustrating to all of us, but according to adoption experts is perfectly normal.

You Want Me to Do What?!?

This week has been interesting at school for both Naomi and Simon. They both had field trips to a pumpkin patch, which was great fun for both of them since they lived in a very rural setting in Bulgaria. Other things are harder to explain - you want me to wear pajamas to school? Simon was pretty upset by that until he saw everyone else doing it. I knew it would be a morning battle, but also didn't want him to feel left out if he was the only Kindergarten student not in PJs. Wearing a costume today was a little bit easier to explain. The word costume is the same in Bulgarian and I think they got that everyone would dress up since every day at school this week had a different dress-up theme. Todd was trying to explain trick-or-treat to them this morning. I'm sure they'll do fine with it by following the lead of their big brother and big sister. The problem will come tomorrow or next Friday or next month when they want to do it again! Sorry, kids, only once a year.

The Noise

Naomi and Simon are both loud. Just naturally louder than the rest of us, even when they aren't trying to be. We are trying to teach them to be more quiet, but I think it's going to take time and patience and us modelling for them. I wish I had a dollar for every time I yelled, "be quiet!" Ummmm...obviously yelling at them to be quiet isn't good modelling of being quiet, but how else would they hear me?

Being in the trenches of this adjustment is difficult, but we do see many positive changes (in all of us) over the past three months. Many (social workers, books, blogs) say that the first 3 to 6 months are the most difficult and I believe it. But I also see that this is going to be a lifelong process of nurturing them, attaching to them (and them to us), and not forgetting about Miles and Ella in the process. It is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.

Getting Started

Have you ever had a situation where you know that if you can just muster up the energy to get through the next few days or even weeks, things will calm down in the end? Then you'll have a few days of down time before the busyness begins again.

Like when all your kids have a sports banquet, a game to which you must bring snacks, a party at school that you agreed to come up with a game or activity for, and friend's birthday party, all in the same week. 

That's kind of what life feels like right now. Except there isn't an end in sight at the moment, there is no calm after the storm. I'm guessing this is partly the 'new normal' that I'll need to get used to with four children. But it's also partly figuring out how to make our new family, our new life 'work.'

All along the adoption process, we worked toward bringing the children home. It is definitely a milestone we'll celebrate in the years to come, and it's important. But until I lived it, I didn't quite grasp that it's really just the beginning. And it's huge - much bigger than I can even imagine, like one of those cut-away images of an iceberg where you think you can see it all, but there is so, so much more under the surface.

Even though we've been home for seven weeks, we are really just beginning the process of getting to know each other, of figuring out how to make this work, of how to help all four children find their 'place' in the family, adjust to each other, and know they are loved.

Don't get me wrong - we have all come a long way in the nearly two months we've been together and life looks nothing like it did the 10 days in Bulgaria or the first week at home. 

But what I've realized this week (partly in talking to other adoptive moms) is that the attachment and bonding process, and the process of essentially creating a new family dynamic, is not something to which we can assign an end date or expectations.

Really, we're just getting started.

The First Five Weeks

We picked up Naomi and Simon from the social services office on July 21 and came home on July 31, so they have been in the U.S. for five weeks and with us almost seven weeks.

The past couple of months have been very hard, yet the children are all doing 'well' according to what is considered normal in the adoption world. When people ask me how it's going, it's hard to explain. It's very hard at times, yet we can't really expect them to be doing much better at this point. "It just takes time," everyone says.

That's not an answer I usually like to hear. I like to work at things to make them better. If I do X, then Y will happen. If we have A in place, then we can get to Z by the end of the week or month. Results. I should know by now that children do not always follow my neat little plans, and especially now, when all four children are grieving losses from the life they used to know.

So, I do my best, try to 'be there' for everyone, and wait. Our adoption agency told us that the first three months are all about survival. (Similar to having a newborn!) I do feel like we're doing better than just surviving, but it's still hard work and I need to not put too many expectations on their progress, whether with learning English (for Naomi and Simon) or getting along (for everyone).

School

Originally we planned to keep Naomi and Simon home for a few months to adjust to life here before enrolling them in school. However, when we were in Bulgaria, we got some very strong advice to go ahead and enroll them for language and socialization purposes. People who work with adopted children all the time and who knew them best said that they would adjust and attach to us more quickly if they went to school. They both really enjoy school, and we can tell their language is improving dramatically just over the past two weeks. And, they have not tried to pull away from us since school began, which is a positive sign.

Our neighborhood school has all the services and help the kids need - ESL, speech therapy, instructional assistants. I am thankful that we are in the neighborhood for this school. The staff and teachers have been fabulous with making the kids feel welcome and doing their best to help them.

So, what do I do all day when they are in school? Basically, I get ready for the onslaught of homework, activities, dinner, bath, and bed. Naomi and Simon cannot really be left unsupervised for long depending on how they are getting along, so I do all the laundry, cleaning, meal prep, shopping, etc. while they are gone. And, I try to get some exercise and have some down time. Todd will go back to work part-time next week, so I will still have him here to help during those after school hours, and I'm hoping that by the time he goes back full-time, we will be in a pretty smooth routine that I can handle on my own.

We appreciate everyone who has prayed for us and supported us during the process to bring Naomi and Simon home. The hard work has just begun, though, so keep on praying - we are thankful for you!

The Pick-Up Trip

The pick-up trip was very difficult.

In some ways, we would probably like to forget it, but in other ways, it's good to look back and see how far we've come since then.

We left for Bulgaria on July 19 on an overnight flight from Dulles to Frankfurt and on to Sofia. Our flights were smooth and uneventful. We were met at the airport by our Bulgarian agency and an Italian couple who were also on their second trip to pick up their son.

Naomi and Simon

On our first trip to Bulgaria, we had a wonderful guide and translator who got to know the children and told us what she thought we could expect on our second trip and our first weeks and months at home.

We knew that they would both be experiencing great grief, fear, and loss when we picked them up. Though they had been with us for a week in February and had Skyped with us almost weekly since then, they were now trusting us with their lives and that was difficult for both of them. 

Everything we experienced with them was normal for children in their situation, but it was still difficult. They went from a tiny village to a big city (Sofia is home to more than 1 million people), from people who knew them very well to people who they didn't really know them at all, and who didn't speak much of their language. 

They did improve each day, which gave us hope and encouraged us, and since they have been home, many of the behaviors we saw in Sofia have disappeared.

Our days in Bulgaria

Our days included many of the same activities and we tried to have some kind of routine to make things easier for the kids, but it definitely became tedious. We usually had some combination of: walk to the park, take a metro ride to a walking area or park, swim in the hotel pool, have a picnic at the park (lunch, dinner, or both), and most days some kind of adoption paperwork related errand with the agency in Bulgaria.

We would've loved to enjoy some traditional Bulgarian food in restaurants, but the kids just couldn't handle it. The first restaurants they went to were during our first trip in February and they just had no idea how to behave in a restaurant. So, we ended up ordering room service, ordering delivery, or getting inexpensive street food for a picnic in the park. It definitely helped our budget since a slice of pizza is 1 lev (70 cents) but it got old after awhile.

Naomi and Simon had never been swimming. Simon said he had once 'seen' a pool, so it was all totally new for them. Todd and I didn't pack swim suits, so we all headed to the mall to get suits so we could enjoy the hotel pool. In Europe, that means Speedos for the guys. Todd tweeted a photo of him and Simon wearing theirs and it was re-tweeted by a Speedo enthusiast!

We got to know the lifeguards at the pool since we were there often, and we also stood out as Americans with Bulgarian kids. The first lifeguard we met had a Bulgarian friend who lived in the States for the past few years. In Virginia. In Roanoke. What are the chances of that? He had fallen out of touch with the friend and we didn't see him again to try to exchange contact information, but it was still pretty cool. I had been kind of grumbling to God about being kicked out of the apartment and put up in a hotel where it was harder to feed the kids, etc., and that day we met a guy who has a Bulgarian friend in Roanoke.

The visa delay

One of the hardest times we had was finding out that we would be in Bulgaria 'indefinitely' because the U.S. State Department system for issuing passports and visas had crashed and it took them a few days to get it up and running, and then additional time to deal with the backlog. 

We were first told it would likely be a few extra days. When we went for our actual visa appointment at the Embassy, they said everything was back on schedule. Then the day we were supposed to get our visas (less than 24 hours before our flights were scheduled to leave), we were told that the system was down again and it could be "days or weeks." 

That was directly from the U.S. Embassy. I was shocked that such an important system could fail and they would have no idea when it would be up and running again. The U.S. Embassy told us to put our return tickets 'on hold' until we got the visas. Unfortunately, no such thing exists unless you pay full fare, and if you have that much money, you're not worried about the tickets anyway!

It was really hard to tell M and E that we were going to be delayed. Leaving them at home was hard for all of us, and we were all disappointed that the trip was going to be extended.

We ended up getting the visas only one day late and were very blessed to find four tickets on Austrian Air. Unfortunately, the people on the plane with us were not exactly blessed by our presence. I've heard worse stories on adoption blogs and Facebook, but Naomi had three different screaming fits, each lasting about 15 minutes. 

Two started with the same trigger - she had to put on her seat belt. The fasten seat belt light would come on, we would tell her to put it on and she would refuse, then we would ask a flight attendant to tell her to put it on, thinking that they looked 'official' in uniform. That would work initially, but only for a few minutes and she would scream about it. The other episode was about food. Naomi spent some time in an orphanage (we are not sure how long) and food can be a trigger for her. She saw another passenger being served a special meal, ahead of the rest of us, and could not understand that she would be fed too, but had to wait. Once people around us found out why she was screaming, I think (hope?) they were sympathetic, and at least it was a daytime flight, not an overnight, but I'm sure it was no fun to listen to.

Supporting each other

On the Saturday we were in Sofia, we organized a meet up with four other American families who were there picking up their children. One couple from Texas had just arrived and had not yet picked up their children, one mom from Minnesota had been stuck for a few days already with the visa delay, one mom and a friend from Washington were there picking up her daughter, and a couple from South Dakota picked up their daughter earlier in the week.

It was so nice to speak English, see some friendly faces, and support and encourage each other. There is a pretty active Bulgarian adoptions Facebook page where people share information, ask questions, and support one another.

Finally home

After the longest flight of our lives (it actually was since Vienna is farther east than other airports!) we arrived in Dulles and had to wait in the non-U.S. citizen passport control line for two hours to process the kids' visas. Other times I've traveled overseas, I never paid much attention to the non-U.S. line and just breezed through the line for my home country. Even in other countries, I don't think I've waited more than 15 or 20 minutes. I hated that this was international visitors' first impression of America but mostly I hated waiting in that line for so long.

While we were waiting in line, Naomi and Simon kept talking about Sofia. We finally made it to the parking lot shuttle bus and told them we were in America. They seemed surprised and excited, so we wondered if the airports looked similar to them and they thought that we went through the long flight just to end up back in Sofia!

Originally we were going to land at Dulles around noon and drive home. With the change in tickets, we landed later and didn't leave the airport until after 5 p.m. I have no idea how Todd stayed awake to drive us home but I'm glad he did. 

The family together

The children met each other around 9 that evening (July 31). They were all excited after knowing each other only on Skype for the previous five months. Todd and I were glad to be home, but knew that the following weeks would be hard work.

Names

I've read that 80% to 90% of parents who adopt a child (internationally or domestically) change their name. I think there are many reasons for this, but it's probably mostly done to mark a new beginning for the child.

Before we went on our first trip, we weren't sure what we were going to do about names for R and S. Their names are pronounced the way they are spelled, so they would translate easily enough to English, and we talked a little bit about names, but not very much. We researched their Bulgarian names, but did not find a lot of details.

We were leaning toward keeping their names until we spoke with our translator about it and she gave us some very valuable insight. R and S have 'baby' names. They are not names you would typically hear for a Bulgarian adult and are meant more as childhood nicknames, or terms of endearment, not adult names. Kind of like naming your child "Billy" (as his legal name) instead of naming him William and just calling him Billy.

This was sad to think about, because their birth mother was so young when she had the children. She probably didn't have a concept of what an adult name was and I'm sure she did the best she could. Knowing this made it easier to change the children's names. 

R will be Naomi Renee. Naomi means sweet and gentle, which describes her disposition, although she is currently going through the normal grieving process of leaving her foster home and is not always sweet and gentle with Todd and I. Renee means born again and is the English (or French) version of her Bulgarian name.

S will be Simon Alexander. Simon means one who hears from God. Alexander means defender of men, which seems to fit his personality, and his Bulgarian name is a nickname for Alexander.

We wanted to choose names that reflected their heritage and their given names, as well as their personalities. We also wanted to name them so that if they prefer to keep their Bulgarian names as a nickname when they are older, they'll be able to do so.

I think we chose well, even though we had to declare their names (for paperwork) back in February after knowing them for only 3 days. We are trying to remember to call them their American/English names, but it's hard after calling them their Bulgarian names for so long!