My Village

Two weeks ago we had a visit from the social worker who did our home study. Bulgaria requires post-adoption reports at three, six, 12, 18, and 24 months after the children arrive home.

We really enjoy the visits with our social worker. She is very knowledgeable about the issues adopted children and families face in their first months and years at home and always has good suggestions and ideas for us. She will get to know Naomi and Simon well over the next two years as she follows and documents their journey and will be a great source of help to us.

This got me thinking about how great our support system is. In addition to our home study social worker, we have a social worker at our placing agency (the actual 'adoption agency' who facilitates everything with Bulgaria) whose only job is to offer post-adoption support to families who have adopted children from Bulgaria. She is an adoptive mom herself and I've had a couple of very long conversations with her that have been helpful and insightful.

I also started thinking of all the adoptive moms I know who I could call at anytime for advice. There were close to 10. Other moms who know what we're going through and can offer specific advice or just say, "I know, I've been there." In addition to those adoptive moms, there are just as many other friends who would be willing to help in any way they could - friends who brought meals, hand-me-down clothes, drove the big kids to activities, etc. 

The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" became popular when Hillary Clinton wrote a book with that title and it may or may not be a loose translation of an African proverb. It seems that when I hear it most often, people are lamenting the loss of the village mentality. 

It's true that now many people don't live in the same town (or state) as their parents and people tend to keep to themselves more in neighborhoods. But - you can make your own village - it just takes some work, being open and vulnerable, and admitting you need help. (Not always easy for this independent-minded girl.)

I know some people who are in the 'waiting' phase of adoption read this blog, and I just want to encourage you to make a village. Or even if you are home already with adopted children. Ask for help. Find other adoptive moms and have coffee. Tell people how hard it is and think of specific ways they can help you. We are not meant to go it alone, your village is eager to help.

You Don't Understand Me!

Naomi and Simon have both done a great job learning English, both in understanding us at home and in being able to express themselves. If I stop to think about it, it was really very brave of them to go to school after only being with us a month. The school here is much different than their preschool in Bulgaria, and they were thrown into an environment where they had to get along in English. I think about what I would do in a similar situation - it must have been exhausting and frustrating for them but they have done well, worked hard, and enjoy going to school. 

There are only a few words they still say in Bulgarian, and mostly just out of habit. They know the English but I guess it's just easier to use Bulgarian. Words like: I love you, Look!, Dangerous, Broken. Actually - those were some of the words Todd and I used a lot when we first met them!

They are both speaking in sentences and phrases now and one of their favorites is, "You don't understand me!" They will ask for something - Halloween candy before breakfast; watch Sponge Bob before school in the morning; go outside right this minute, not in 5 minutes - that kind of thing. When I tell them, "no," they say, "You don't understand me!" and I say, "Yes, I do understand you, but I'm telling you no."

It's kind of cute, but it got me thinking. Naomi and Simon have mastered elementary English as far as making their basic needs known, telling us about their day, expressing themselves, and words they need to play. But we really don't understand them. We don't understand all they've been through; we don't understand what it feels like to be abandoned; we don't understand living with the uncertainty of whether or not the people who take care of you will abandon you again, or send you somewhere else to live, or be nice to you, or love you, or remember your birthday.

And until they feel safe, and get a little older, and learn even more English so they can express some of that to us, it's hard for us to understand and help them work through their feelings. All we can do right now is provide a home and a family where they can begin to feel safe, have their needs met, and feel love. I need to remind myself of all they've been through and lower my expectations of them at times. 

I need to remember that when they ask for yet another snack, or piece of paper, or something to be stapled (they love staples), what they are really asking is: will she take care of me? will she love me? will she understand me?