Funny Moments

A lot of what we deal with on a day-to-day basis is heavy stuff. The drama in the house created by the grief and loss Naomi and Simon feel can be intense at times. But thankfully we also have many moments of lightness and humor. This stuff may only be funny to us - maybe you have to be there? - but I'm posting it in case you find it funny, too, and so you know we can enjoy ourselves in the midst of the hard times.

Staples

Naomi and Simon love staples. I had to go to Staples to buy more staples after they had been home a couple of weeks. How often do you buy staples? They come in packs of something like 100,000 and you lose them or move houses before you run out, but not with these kids. The stapling fetish has died down a lot, but that first month they wanted to put multiple staples in every piece of paper they could get their hands on. 

After a month or so at school, I had to write a note to a teacher saying, "Sorry this is all stapled together. Child loves to staple." The return note said, "I was wondering why [as an English Language Learner] they knew the word stapler so well."

Bass / Bus

Somehow the little kids heard the song "All About That Bass." They came home from school singing it, except it sounded like, "all about the bus, about the bus, no trouble." So that's the version we sing in our house, except it's "all about the bus, about the bus, no getting in trouble" because there is often trouble on the bus.

Pork chop

Simon has kind of a stocky or husky build, which is pretty common in Bulgaria. (Or at least he did - he's grown an inch and gotten a little slimmer since being here.) Todd decided a good nickname for him would be "pork chop." He must have used it mostly when Simon was misbehaving or getting in trouble.

One day, Simon was mad at me for something. I can't remember what it was but I probably wouldn't let him do something he wanted to do. He was yelling at me and the insult he chose was, "you pork chop!" So, that was the end of that nickname.

My Village

Two weeks ago we had a visit from the social worker who did our home study. Bulgaria requires post-adoption reports at three, six, 12, 18, and 24 months after the children arrive home.

We really enjoy the visits with our social worker. She is very knowledgeable about the issues adopted children and families face in their first months and years at home and always has good suggestions and ideas for us. She will get to know Naomi and Simon well over the next two years as she follows and documents their journey and will be a great source of help to us.

This got me thinking about how great our support system is. In addition to our home study social worker, we have a social worker at our placing agency (the actual 'adoption agency' who facilitates everything with Bulgaria) whose only job is to offer post-adoption support to families who have adopted children from Bulgaria. She is an adoptive mom herself and I've had a couple of very long conversations with her that have been helpful and insightful.

I also started thinking of all the adoptive moms I know who I could call at anytime for advice. There were close to 10. Other moms who know what we're going through and can offer specific advice or just say, "I know, I've been there." In addition to those adoptive moms, there are just as many other friends who would be willing to help in any way they could - friends who brought meals, hand-me-down clothes, drove the big kids to activities, etc. 

The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" became popular when Hillary Clinton wrote a book with that title and it may or may not be a loose translation of an African proverb. It seems that when I hear it most often, people are lamenting the loss of the village mentality. 

It's true that now many people don't live in the same town (or state) as their parents and people tend to keep to themselves more in neighborhoods. But - you can make your own village - it just takes some work, being open and vulnerable, and admitting you need help. (Not always easy for this independent-minded girl.)

I know some people who are in the 'waiting' phase of adoption read this blog, and I just want to encourage you to make a village. Or even if you are home already with adopted children. Ask for help. Find other adoptive moms and have coffee. Tell people how hard it is and think of specific ways they can help you. We are not meant to go it alone, your village is eager to help.

You Don't Understand Me!

Naomi and Simon have both done a great job learning English, both in understanding us at home and in being able to express themselves. If I stop to think about it, it was really very brave of them to go to school after only being with us a month. The school here is much different than their preschool in Bulgaria, and they were thrown into an environment where they had to get along in English. I think about what I would do in a similar situation - it must have been exhausting and frustrating for them but they have done well, worked hard, and enjoy going to school. 

There are only a few words they still say in Bulgarian, and mostly just out of habit. They know the English but I guess it's just easier to use Bulgarian. Words like: I love you, Look!, Dangerous, Broken. Actually - those were some of the words Todd and I used a lot when we first met them!

They are both speaking in sentences and phrases now and one of their favorites is, "You don't understand me!" They will ask for something - Halloween candy before breakfast; watch Sponge Bob before school in the morning; go outside right this minute, not in 5 minutes - that kind of thing. When I tell them, "no," they say, "You don't understand me!" and I say, "Yes, I do understand you, but I'm telling you no."

It's kind of cute, but it got me thinking. Naomi and Simon have mastered elementary English as far as making their basic needs known, telling us about their day, expressing themselves, and words they need to play. But we really don't understand them. We don't understand all they've been through; we don't understand what it feels like to be abandoned; we don't understand living with the uncertainty of whether or not the people who take care of you will abandon you again, or send you somewhere else to live, or be nice to you, or love you, or remember your birthday.

And until they feel safe, and get a little older, and learn even more English so they can express some of that to us, it's hard for us to understand and help them work through their feelings. All we can do right now is provide a home and a family where they can begin to feel safe, have their needs met, and feel love. I need to remind myself of all they've been through and lower my expectations of them at times. 

I need to remember that when they ask for yet another snack, or piece of paper, or something to be stapled (they love staples), what they are really asking is: will she take care of me? will she love me? will she understand me?

Update: Three Months Home

We came home with Naomi and Simon three months ago today. In looking at photos from our trip to Bulgaria or even the first day of school at the end of August, they look like different children. It's good to look back and see that as a reminder of how far they've come.

My apologies for not updating the blog very often. We appreciate everyone who has supported us through the adoption process and we still need your prayers, so I should keep you all updated...but life tends to get in the way. And even if I find the time, there are so many things I could write about, it's hard to put together a concise, coherent blog post! So, today is a random sort of update that will hopefully encourage me to post more often.

Language

Both Naomi and Simon are picking up English well and are both speaking in full sentences at times. There are a few words and phrases that they still say in Bulgarian, but mostly they speak English, even with each other. They definitely understand more than they can say, which is normal for picking up a new language. They have great support at school and it feels like their teachers and helpers and even the administration is really involved in their learning and encouraging them. I'm so thankful for the school! We weren't sure about enrolling them after they had only been home one month, but they love it, the routine is good for them, and they are getting excellent help. 

The Toddler Years...Again

Sometimes I need to remind myself just how different life is for them here than in Bulgaria. Simple things that most of us teach our kids as toddlers, or they just pick up from living with a family from birth, they need to be taught. They really are like toddlers in many of their habits, which can be frustrating to all of us, but according to adoption experts is perfectly normal.

You Want Me to Do What?!?

This week has been interesting at school for both Naomi and Simon. They both had field trips to a pumpkin patch, which was great fun for both of them since they lived in a very rural setting in Bulgaria. Other things are harder to explain - you want me to wear pajamas to school? Simon was pretty upset by that until he saw everyone else doing it. I knew it would be a morning battle, but also didn't want him to feel left out if he was the only Kindergarten student not in PJs. Wearing a costume today was a little bit easier to explain. The word costume is the same in Bulgarian and I think they got that everyone would dress up since every day at school this week had a different dress-up theme. Todd was trying to explain trick-or-treat to them this morning. I'm sure they'll do fine with it by following the lead of their big brother and big sister. The problem will come tomorrow or next Friday or next month when they want to do it again! Sorry, kids, only once a year.

The Noise

Naomi and Simon are both loud. Just naturally louder than the rest of us, even when they aren't trying to be. We are trying to teach them to be more quiet, but I think it's going to take time and patience and us modelling for them. I wish I had a dollar for every time I yelled, "be quiet!" Ummmm...obviously yelling at them to be quiet isn't good modelling of being quiet, but how else would they hear me?

Being in the trenches of this adjustment is difficult, but we do see many positive changes (in all of us) over the past three months. Many (social workers, books, blogs) say that the first 3 to 6 months are the most difficult and I believe it. But I also see that this is going to be a lifelong process of nurturing them, attaching to them (and them to us), and not forgetting about Miles and Ella in the process. It is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.

Getting Started

Have you ever had a situation where you know that if you can just muster up the energy to get through the next few days or even weeks, things will calm down in the end? Then you'll have a few days of down time before the busyness begins again.

Like when all your kids have a sports banquet, a game to which you must bring snacks, a party at school that you agreed to come up with a game or activity for, and friend's birthday party, all in the same week. 

That's kind of what life feels like right now. Except there isn't an end in sight at the moment, there is no calm after the storm. I'm guessing this is partly the 'new normal' that I'll need to get used to with four children. But it's also partly figuring out how to make our new family, our new life 'work.'

All along the adoption process, we worked toward bringing the children home. It is definitely a milestone we'll celebrate in the years to come, and it's important. But until I lived it, I didn't quite grasp that it's really just the beginning. And it's huge - much bigger than I can even imagine, like one of those cut-away images of an iceberg where you think you can see it all, but there is so, so much more under the surface.

Even though we've been home for seven weeks, we are really just beginning the process of getting to know each other, of figuring out how to make this work, of how to help all four children find their 'place' in the family, adjust to each other, and know they are loved.

Don't get me wrong - we have all come a long way in the nearly two months we've been together and life looks nothing like it did the 10 days in Bulgaria or the first week at home. 

But what I've realized this week (partly in talking to other adoptive moms) is that the attachment and bonding process, and the process of essentially creating a new family dynamic, is not something to which we can assign an end date or expectations.

Really, we're just getting started.

The First Five Weeks

We picked up Naomi and Simon from the social services office on July 21 and came home on July 31, so they have been in the U.S. for five weeks and with us almost seven weeks.

The past couple of months have been very hard, yet the children are all doing 'well' according to what is considered normal in the adoption world. When people ask me how it's going, it's hard to explain. It's very hard at times, yet we can't really expect them to be doing much better at this point. "It just takes time," everyone says.

That's not an answer I usually like to hear. I like to work at things to make them better. If I do X, then Y will happen. If we have A in place, then we can get to Z by the end of the week or month. Results. I should know by now that children do not always follow my neat little plans, and especially now, when all four children are grieving losses from the life they used to know.

So, I do my best, try to 'be there' for everyone, and wait. Our adoption agency told us that the first three months are all about survival. (Similar to having a newborn!) I do feel like we're doing better than just surviving, but it's still hard work and I need to not put too many expectations on their progress, whether with learning English (for Naomi and Simon) or getting along (for everyone).

School

Originally we planned to keep Naomi and Simon home for a few months to adjust to life here before enrolling them in school. However, when we were in Bulgaria, we got some very strong advice to go ahead and enroll them for language and socialization purposes. People who work with adopted children all the time and who knew them best said that they would adjust and attach to us more quickly if they went to school. They both really enjoy school, and we can tell their language is improving dramatically just over the past two weeks. And, they have not tried to pull away from us since school began, which is a positive sign.

Our neighborhood school has all the services and help the kids need - ESL, speech therapy, instructional assistants. I am thankful that we are in the neighborhood for this school. The staff and teachers have been fabulous with making the kids feel welcome and doing their best to help them.

So, what do I do all day when they are in school? Basically, I get ready for the onslaught of homework, activities, dinner, bath, and bed. Naomi and Simon cannot really be left unsupervised for long depending on how they are getting along, so I do all the laundry, cleaning, meal prep, shopping, etc. while they are gone. And, I try to get some exercise and have some down time. Todd will go back to work part-time next week, so I will still have him here to help during those after school hours, and I'm hoping that by the time he goes back full-time, we will be in a pretty smooth routine that I can handle on my own.

We appreciate everyone who has prayed for us and supported us during the process to bring Naomi and Simon home. The hard work has just begun, though, so keep on praying - we are thankful for you!

The Pick-Up Trip

The pick-up trip was very difficult.

In some ways, we would probably like to forget it, but in other ways, it's good to look back and see how far we've come since then.

We left for Bulgaria on July 19 on an overnight flight from Dulles to Frankfurt and on to Sofia. Our flights were smooth and uneventful. We were met at the airport by our Bulgarian agency and an Italian couple who were also on their second trip to pick up their son.

Naomi and Simon

On our first trip to Bulgaria, we had a wonderful guide and translator who got to know the children and told us what she thought we could expect on our second trip and our first weeks and months at home.

We knew that they would both be experiencing great grief, fear, and loss when we picked them up. Though they had been with us for a week in February and had Skyped with us almost weekly since then, they were now trusting us with their lives and that was difficult for both of them. 

Everything we experienced with them was normal for children in their situation, but it was still difficult. They went from a tiny village to a big city (Sofia is home to more than 1 million people), from people who knew them very well to people who they didn't really know them at all, and who didn't speak much of their language. 

They did improve each day, which gave us hope and encouraged us, and since they have been home, many of the behaviors we saw in Sofia have disappeared.

Our days in Bulgaria

Our days included many of the same activities and we tried to have some kind of routine to make things easier for the kids, but it definitely became tedious. We usually had some combination of: walk to the park, take a metro ride to a walking area or park, swim in the hotel pool, have a picnic at the park (lunch, dinner, or both), and most days some kind of adoption paperwork related errand with the agency in Bulgaria.

We would've loved to enjoy some traditional Bulgarian food in restaurants, but the kids just couldn't handle it. The first restaurants they went to were during our first trip in February and they just had no idea how to behave in a restaurant. So, we ended up ordering room service, ordering delivery, or getting inexpensive street food for a picnic in the park. It definitely helped our budget since a slice of pizza is 1 lev (70 cents) but it got old after awhile.

Naomi and Simon had never been swimming. Simon said he had once 'seen' a pool, so it was all totally new for them. Todd and I didn't pack swim suits, so we all headed to the mall to get suits so we could enjoy the hotel pool. In Europe, that means Speedos for the guys. Todd tweeted a photo of him and Simon wearing theirs and it was re-tweeted by a Speedo enthusiast!

We got to know the lifeguards at the pool since we were there often, and we also stood out as Americans with Bulgarian kids. The first lifeguard we met had a Bulgarian friend who lived in the States for the past few years. In Virginia. In Roanoke. What are the chances of that? He had fallen out of touch with the friend and we didn't see him again to try to exchange contact information, but it was still pretty cool. I had been kind of grumbling to God about being kicked out of the apartment and put up in a hotel where it was harder to feed the kids, etc., and that day we met a guy who has a Bulgarian friend in Roanoke.

The visa delay

One of the hardest times we had was finding out that we would be in Bulgaria 'indefinitely' because the U.S. State Department system for issuing passports and visas had crashed and it took them a few days to get it up and running, and then additional time to deal with the backlog. 

We were first told it would likely be a few extra days. When we went for our actual visa appointment at the Embassy, they said everything was back on schedule. Then the day we were supposed to get our visas (less than 24 hours before our flights were scheduled to leave), we were told that the system was down again and it could be "days or weeks." 

That was directly from the U.S. Embassy. I was shocked that such an important system could fail and they would have no idea when it would be up and running again. The U.S. Embassy told us to put our return tickets 'on hold' until we got the visas. Unfortunately, no such thing exists unless you pay full fare, and if you have that much money, you're not worried about the tickets anyway!

It was really hard to tell M and E that we were going to be delayed. Leaving them at home was hard for all of us, and we were all disappointed that the trip was going to be extended.

We ended up getting the visas only one day late and were very blessed to find four tickets on Austrian Air. Unfortunately, the people on the plane with us were not exactly blessed by our presence. I've heard worse stories on adoption blogs and Facebook, but Naomi had three different screaming fits, each lasting about 15 minutes. 

Two started with the same trigger - she had to put on her seat belt. The fasten seat belt light would come on, we would tell her to put it on and she would refuse, then we would ask a flight attendant to tell her to put it on, thinking that they looked 'official' in uniform. That would work initially, but only for a few minutes and she would scream about it. The other episode was about food. Naomi spent some time in an orphanage (we are not sure how long) and food can be a trigger for her. She saw another passenger being served a special meal, ahead of the rest of us, and could not understand that she would be fed too, but had to wait. Once people around us found out why she was screaming, I think (hope?) they were sympathetic, and at least it was a daytime flight, not an overnight, but I'm sure it was no fun to listen to.

Supporting each other

On the Saturday we were in Sofia, we organized a meet up with four other American families who were there picking up their children. One couple from Texas had just arrived and had not yet picked up their children, one mom from Minnesota had been stuck for a few days already with the visa delay, one mom and a friend from Washington were there picking up her daughter, and a couple from South Dakota picked up their daughter earlier in the week.

It was so nice to speak English, see some friendly faces, and support and encourage each other. There is a pretty active Bulgarian adoptions Facebook page where people share information, ask questions, and support one another.

Finally home

After the longest flight of our lives (it actually was since Vienna is farther east than other airports!) we arrived in Dulles and had to wait in the non-U.S. citizen passport control line for two hours to process the kids' visas. Other times I've traveled overseas, I never paid much attention to the non-U.S. line and just breezed through the line for my home country. Even in other countries, I don't think I've waited more than 15 or 20 minutes. I hated that this was international visitors' first impression of America but mostly I hated waiting in that line for so long.

While we were waiting in line, Naomi and Simon kept talking about Sofia. We finally made it to the parking lot shuttle bus and told them we were in America. They seemed surprised and excited, so we wondered if the airports looked similar to them and they thought that we went through the long flight just to end up back in Sofia!

Originally we were going to land at Dulles around noon and drive home. With the change in tickets, we landed later and didn't leave the airport until after 5 p.m. I have no idea how Todd stayed awake to drive us home but I'm glad he did. 

The family together

The children met each other around 9 that evening (July 31). They were all excited after knowing each other only on Skype for the previous five months. Todd and I were glad to be home, but knew that the following weeks would be hard work.

Names

I've read that 80% to 90% of parents who adopt a child (internationally or domestically) change their name. I think there are many reasons for this, but it's probably mostly done to mark a new beginning for the child.

Before we went on our first trip, we weren't sure what we were going to do about names for R and S. Their names are pronounced the way they are spelled, so they would translate easily enough to English, and we talked a little bit about names, but not very much. We researched their Bulgarian names, but did not find a lot of details.

We were leaning toward keeping their names until we spoke with our translator about it and she gave us some very valuable insight. R and S have 'baby' names. They are not names you would typically hear for a Bulgarian adult and are meant more as childhood nicknames, or terms of endearment, not adult names. Kind of like naming your child "Billy" (as his legal name) instead of naming him William and just calling him Billy.

This was sad to think about, because their birth mother was so young when she had the children. She probably didn't have a concept of what an adult name was and I'm sure she did the best she could. Knowing this made it easier to change the children's names. 

R will be Naomi Renee. Naomi means sweet and gentle, which describes her disposition, although she is currently going through the normal grieving process of leaving her foster home and is not always sweet and gentle with Todd and I. Renee means born again and is the English (or French) version of her Bulgarian name.

S will be Simon Alexander. Simon means one who hears from God. Alexander means defender of men, which seems to fit his personality, and his Bulgarian name is a nickname for Alexander.

We wanted to choose names that reflected their heritage and their given names, as well as their personalities. We also wanted to name them so that if they prefer to keep their Bulgarian names as a nickname when they are older, they'll be able to do so.

I think we chose well, even though we had to declare their names (for paperwork) back in February after knowing them for only 3 days. We are trying to remember to call them their American/English names, but it's hard after calling them their Bulgarian names for so long!

What We've Been Up To: Part 3 - Getting Ready

Part three of what we've been up to...

Preparing the house for R and S

Since M and S will share a room and E and R will share a room, we've been working to make space for R and S. A shelf on a bookshelf. Half a closet. Dresser drawers. We don't have a ton of space to give them, but I want R and S to feel like they belong here, not that they are long-term guests. 

We've put pictures of R and S wherever we have pictures of M and E, and I've tried to make everything recent photos rather than baby photos. We still have some de-cluttering work to do and some work in the playroom, but I think things are coming together pretty nicely. R and S have seen their beds a couple of times on our Skype calls and they seem happy and excited. I'm also going to make some movies of the house that we can watch while we're in Bulgaria.

Preparing our hearts for R and S

As I said in the last post, it's going to be really hard at first. We know that, and part of me isn't looking forward to it, but it's all part of the process. I feel like I've loved these kids as my own since I first saw their pictures and first heard about them, so that will make it easier. I can't explain it; I think it's a work of God - he put the desire on our hearts to adopt and is faithful to fill our hearts with the love, grace, and patience we'll need.

Please pray for us, especially while we're in Bulgaria and when we are first home with them. All adoption experts recommend "cocooning" with the children for the first couple months at home. That means we won't be going a lot of places with them - mostly staying home and building trust with them by meeting their basic needs and showing them love. 

So, be patient if it is months until you meet the children - it's in their best interest. If you are wondering how you can help, feel free to contact me about bringing a meal, going to the store for us, or taking M and E to do something fun or to one of their activities. If you are out of town, or can't do those things, just pray for us!

The process of bringing these children home is kind of like giving birth. You prepare a lot of things ahead of time, but you really don't know what you are getting in to, or what you might need, until the children are here. We're as ready as we can be.

What We've Been Up To: Part 2 - Vacations and Saying Yes

Part two of what we've been up to...

Vacation

In June, we were able to go on the annual beach vacation with Todd's family to Ocean Isle Beach, NC. We thought we wouldn't be able to do it this year, but it worked out that we were able to go. It was nice to have the time away and now that the kids are older, a beach vacation is actually relaxing! It was nice to have the time with Miles and Ella and do some of our traditional beach things (mini-golf, ice cream, souvenir shopping) with them one more time before adding other children into the mix. We were also there for Todd's birthday and went to Broadway at the Beach and rode a high-speed "jet boat." It's basically a high-powered speed boat that goes fast and spins around. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it was really fun. I highly recommend it!

Saying 'Yes' to M and E

I don't know if there is really a way to prepare any of us for the next few months of life. When R and S come home, it's going to be really hard. That's all there is to it. They will miss their foster families, have to deal with new sights, sounds, smells, and tastes, and won't understand our language and how we do things. 

All that is to say that we will likely be telling M and E 'no' a lot - no, we can't go out to eat; no, we can't go shopping; no, you can't play video games or watch TV right now. So, for the last few months, we've been trying to say 'yes' a lot. We haven't changed any rules about acceptable behavior or let them run wild, or lay in bed all day, but we've made a conscious effort to say yes to their requests instead of saying no.

They are both going to be great older siblings and talk about R and S a lot. They have also gotten out of bed at 7 a.m. on Thursdays to Skype with them - in the summer, that is nice to see!

What We've Been Up To: Part 1 - Counting our Blessings

Once again, my apologies for waiting so long between posts. I don't know how professional bloggers do it - both live life and blog about it - sometimes it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day for both! I started to write a post about what we've been up to, and it got so long, I decided to divide it into 3 posts. Here's part one.

Counting our blessings

Todd and I first talked about adopting even before we were married, so we always paid attention to adoption stories and know a lot of people who have adopted. One thing was always clear - no matter how you do it, adoption is expensive. In our case, with the adoption of siblings, it would cost at least $55,000 just to bring the children home. That doesn't include beds, clothes, toys, shoes, and post-adoption reports.

We started saving for the adoption and getting our finances in order before we began our home study paperwork. We knew it would be expensive, that we would have to make sacrifices, and that we would have to do fundraising because there was no way we could raise all the money ourselves. Todd started teaching online classes to raise money, and we put off vacations, big purchases, and house repairs to save for the adoption.

In the end of April, we were talking about some adoption finances at dinner and Todd asked me how much money we had left in our adoption account. 

"Fifty dollars," was my reply. 

"How much do we need?" he asked. 

"At least $25,000, probably closer to $30,000."

M and E were very concerned - how are we going to pay for the adoption? How are we going to bring R and S home? (Then they offered to give us some of their money. Very cute and appreciated, but we told them to save it.) We told them that we didn't know, but that God would provide a way and that when he did, it would be a really neat story to tell R and S someday. That God so wanted them to be with us, that he did some incredible work to raise the money we needed. And he did.

• Our Both Hands project raised $20,073.09
• We received grants from Show Hope, Gift of Adoption, A Child Waits, Brittany's Hope, and our church
• We raised money with a yard sale and jewelry sale
• People sent us money and gift cards

People have been so generous. And not just people we know. Strangers who said, "keep the change" at our yard sale. Friends of friends who have never even met us and live halfway across the country. Friends of our parents who we've never met and will likely never even meet our children. Donors who give to grant organizations so families like ours can bring home orphans. Just like all the adoption expenses added up to a huge expense, all the donations add up to a huge blessing, and we now have the money we need to pay the final adoption expenses and take our trip to bring R and S home!

Thank you.

One Month

Apologies that the blog has been kind of quiet the last two weeks!

One month from today we will land in Sofia, Bulgaria to bring R and S home! We have our travel dates - we leave July 19 (land in Bulgaria the next day) and return home on July 30. We are looking forward to the travel part of the trip - we like to travel and experience new cultures, new food, and different sights and sounds. We're not looking forward to leaving M and E for 10 days, but it's all part of the process.

Originally we planned to bring M and E on this trip with us, but after we took the first trip and got a glimpse of how difficult the second trip would be, we decided against it. There are some logistical reasons - the apartment we'll stay in only has two bedrooms; the cars will ride in don't easily accommodate six passengers, a driver, and their stuff; and, there are some appointments (doctor, U.S. Embassy) where technically M and E are not supposed to be present.

There are other reasons not to bring them. R and S are going to require a lot of energy, patience, and attention. And in another country, with different food, smells, customs, etc., M and E would require a lot of attention, too. Not to mention everyone (including us) being 'off' for a few days because of jet lag. I hope that someday (if R and S want to), we can all take a trip back to Bulgaria, but it will depend on their personalities and desire to travel - we won't insist on it.

This will be time for us to bond with R and S and begin building the bonds of trust that will lead to attachment. That sounds kind of lofty, but what it really means is helping them meet their basic needs, comforting them when they need it, and helping them grieve the loss of their foster families. It's going to be difficult, especially with the language barrier, and it will be key to building our relationships with the kids.

Great news, not so great news, and silver linings

A post from Todd:

First the great news. On Tuesday, we "passed court." In adoption lingo, that means R and S are legally our children! They just happen to live in another country. It is great to know they are officially ours. Thank you for your prayers for this important milestone.

On Friday evening we got some not so great news. All along, we've been told to expect to travel sometime in June. A couple of weeks ago, May was even a possibility. But things have changed and we are now looking at mid to late July. As you can imagine, this is a disappointment to us, as we had already made preliminary plans for who would come take care of M and E while we were away, how we would spend the rest of the summer as R and S adjusted to life in our family, how/when we would consider getting them into school and learning English here, etc. But God has other plans.

In Bulgaria, after adoptive parents pass court, they wait for a court decree to be printed before finalizing travel dates. That was taking about a week or two weeks at the longest. People who adopt from Bulgaria have always expressed frustration at this part of the process. Why does it take a week to print a decree?

Well, something has happened and the court has slowed way down and we're not sure when we'll get a decree or final travel dates. We were given a date of July 20 and told it could be a week or two earlier, but the Bulgarian NGO won't commit to anything until the decree is printed. 

So, we wait. 

There is at least one silver lining in these developments. We will now be able to go on our annual beach trip with Todd's family for some much needed R&R.  Since we've all been working pretty hard with school, work, fundraising, and getting the house ready, it will be nice to have a short vacation. And it's nice to have some breathing room in all the preparations. We could all benefit from slowing down just a little right now. 

The travel delay is not the news we expected or hoped for, but we trust it is part of God's plan for our adoption and that the break will help us prepare more for R and S's arrival.

I Stand in Awe...

...of how God worked out so many last-minute details on Friday for the Both Hands project on Saturday.

...of people's generosity - through sponsoring the project and giving up hours on a beautiful Saturday to work at Connie's house.

...of how much a motivated group of people can accomplish! (A video will be ready soon and you can see what I mean.)

...of how we found out Friday afternoon that we met our $8,000 matching grant. This means we have enough money to bring Reni and Sashko home! We are still waiting for travel dates but are hoping by the end of June.

Thank you to everyone who worked on the project, gave a donation, or prayed for us.

Next up: our court date in Bulgaria is tomorrow, June 3. We don't anticipate any problems since our agency has well-prepared us with getting all the paperwork completed weeks ago, but we would appreciate your prayers. We hope to have tentative travel dates by the end of the week, and confirmed dates within one to two weeks. 

People have asked how they can help us financially. Our donation page will remain open at Both Hands for at least a month, or we would appreciate Target or Wal-Mart gift cards, as we still have many basic necessities to buy for the children.

Details, details, details

Todd and I both are more idea people than detail people. As you can imagine, this leads to wonderful ideas for our family, for home improvement projects, for travel, jobs, all kinds of things. We just don't always follow through on the details of making something actually happen.

The Both Hands project this weekend is really stretching our detail muscles. There are all kind of things to think about: getting supplies like fence posts and topsoil donated, figuring out when things need to be delivered to actually make the project happen, making sure we have enough people to work on the day of the project, feeding all those people...and there are a lot more.

I would like to think I'm an organized, get-it-done, planning type person, but it's just not how I'm made. Luckily, we have people working on our Both Hands project who are detail people! And I'm finding that the less I worry, and the more I let them do their thing, the more easily tasks are getting done. There is still plenty for us to do - we'll be unloading a truck of supplies tomorrow night and staging some more supplies on Friday, but I am very thankful for our team of people who are helping us with the project.

What is Both Hands?

Both Hands is a really cool way for families to raise money for an adoption by serving a widow. It's James 1:27 ("...true religion is helping widows and orphans...") come to life. We have a team of people who are going to work on a widow's house with us on Saturday, May 31. Many on our team sent out support letters asking people to sponsor them for the day of the project. All the money donated (there are no admin fees) goes toward our adoption expenses. 

Both Hands is a 501(c)3 organization, so anyone who donates will get a tax deduction. And, through the generosity of a handful of anonymous donors and family members, we have an $8,000 matching grant for any money raised before May 31. If you've been thinking about donating, please donate via PayPal by Saturday or get your check in the mail (postmarked by May 31) to double your donation with our matching grant!

Road Trip!

M and E have gotten to the point where they enjoy road trips and, more importantly, it's enjoyable to take them on trips. They are both good travelers, whether by car or plane, and they take things in stride, including a 5-hour delay in Chicago last Memorial Day weekend on the way home from Minneapolis. (We bought them McDonalds, a rare treat, so maybe that had something to do with it?)

This weekend we're heading to my hometown in PA for a visit with my parents, one of my brothers and his family, my aunt, and whoever else is around. And, of course, a trip to Knoebels, the best amusement park in the world.

Even though we're incredibly busy at the moment, we wanted to treat the kids after they've worked so hard in school this year and did such a wonderful job adjusting to public school...not to mention middle school! When we first told the kids we wanted to treat them since they've worked so hard, here's how the conversation went:

Them: How about Hawaii?
Us: Ummm...something closer.
Them: England?
Us: No.
Them: California?
Us: Even closer.
Them: Miami?
Us: No.
Them: Minneapolis?
Us: Somewhere we can drive, not fly.
Them: We could drive to Minneapolis. It would only take 3 or 4 days.
Us: Somewhere closer that we could do in a weekend. Maybe Douthat?
Them: Washington, D.C. 
M: we can go to the Air & Space Museum and the Spy Museum. 
E: we can shop. 

We did consider DC, but cost and the desire to see family won out. We've seen Todd's family recently and we wanted to try to see mine before R and S come home. We hope that by Christmas they will be acclimated enough to travel, but we just don't know. It's also an opportunity to make some memories with M and E before everyone's lives change.

So, tomorrow we're off. And, don't tell anyone, but our kids will not be in school on Memorial Day, which is a snow make-up day. I'm sure they won't be the only ones!

Breaking News: Court Date

So much of the adoption journey can be summarized as: hurry up and wait. You rush to complete paperwork, knowing that the faster you complete it, the faster you move along the process. Then you wait. And update more paperwork on a deadline...and wait some more.

We've been waiting on what is called MOJ (Ministry of Justice) approval and a court date. We just received word this morning that we have both! Our court date is June 3. If we pass court, the children will legally be ours and we can share pictures. We don't anticipate any problems passing court. Our agency has been wonderful about making sure we are working on the necessary documents all along, so everything has already been updated and submitted.

Please pray that we pass court on June 3. After we pass court, we will receive tentative travel dates. Once the court decree is printed (a week or two after court), we'll confirm those dates and book our tickets. So, right now we're looking at the end of June.

Some of you may remember that for our first trip, we landed in Bulgaria on my birthday, February 23. Well, all along, I wondered if we would be in Bulgaria for Todd's birthday on June 25. It's looking possible!

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed...

...by how much "needs" to get done between now and when the children come home. I put needs in quotation marks, because it's mostly stuff I think needs to happen or things I would like to do. All the children really need are some clothes, food, and our love.

...by how hard it's going to be, especially at first. I don't enjoy the thought of taking R and S away from everything they know and bringing them to a place where everything looks, smells, and feels so different. They are from a village of 1,000 people in a relatively poor European country. They've never seen anything like a Kroger or Wal-Mart. We took them to their first restaurant when we visited in February. They've never ridden in, and may have never even seen, a mini-van. Or a car seat. Or a swimming pool. Or a library. We want to be sensitive to this, and will spend a lot of time at home the first month they are here.

...by people's generosity. Especially by people's generosity. We knew going into the adoption process that it was going to be expensive and that we would have to make a lot of sacrifices as a family. Then, when we were referred two children, the costs increased even more. But people have been so generous, saying "keep the change" at the yard sale, handing me an amount of money they think isn't very much, but I know it all adds up. And, we now have an $8,000 matching grant for any money we raise for our Both Hands project by May 31. I still can't even wrap my mind around the amount. Between generous family members and some anonymous donors, we can use that $8,000 toward the $25,000 we need to complete the adoption.

I'm overwhelmed, but I'm enjoying this work of getting ready for R and S, and the excitement is building in our family as we get closer to the date when we may travel. We still don't have dates, but are hoping to go to Bulgaria by mid-June. 

It's funny, I always had such a hard time getting M and E to de-clutter their rooms and the playroom, but now, all I have to say is, "let's make some room for R and S" and they are willing participants. That really warms my heart and I think it shows that they are ready for their new siblings. We're all a little overwhelmed, but we're all excited and ready, too.

Fundraising Update

Thank you to everyone who donated items for our yard sale and/or shopped at the sale. All together, we raised $480! That includes kind souls who said, "keep the change" when they purchased something - thank you!

Between the yard sale and some generous donors, we will meet our $2,000 requirement to get the $4,000 Brittany's Hope grant. This is great news since the money goes directly to our agency and we are soon going to get a huge bill (more than $10,000) as a final payment before we go get the children. If we delay this payment, it delays us picking up R and S, so we want to be sure to come up with the funds on time.

Our next fundraising event is the biggest one - our Both Hands project. This is such a cool concept. We have a team of awesome friends who are going to work on a widow's house with us. The team sends out sponsorship letters (much like you would do for a walk or run or golf tournament) asking people to sponsor your work day at the widow's home. So, it's James 1:27 (pure religion is helping widows and orphans...) come to life.

There were two reasons we wanted to do the Both Hands project. First, we liked the idea of serving someone while raising money for the adoption. It felt better to us than just sending out letters asking for money. Second, it greatly expands our ability to raise money, since we're not only reaching out to our friends, but also friends of friends.

Just like all the adoption expenses add up (Why is Adoption so Expensive), all the donations add up, too, so if everyone who gets a letter could only give $10 or $25, we'd still be in great shape to bring these children home.

Yard Sale Mania

We are having a yard sale tomorrow - Saturday, May 3 from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. at our house. So, I should be out in the shed organizing and pricing items.

But I need a break! People have been so generous to give us donations and we have a lot of great stuff, so I hope we have a good turn out. 

We have a matching grant through Brittany's Hope for the sale and they will match what we make up to $2,000 (and through other donations as well). I think that's a high expectation for a yard sale, but if we could make even a quarter of that, we'd be on our way.

OK, back to the shed. I'll post next week with a total for the sale. 

Orphans

R and S are in two different foster families, not in an orphanage. They live a couple of houses away from each other in the same small village and go to school together. Bulgaria is trying to move children to a foster family model in the hopes of closing orphanages.

Before and during our first trip to Bulgaria, we talked a lot about taking R and S away from everything they know. They are healthy and happy with their foster families - is it the right thing to do to bring them here?

Our translator said something that helped us with the decision - in Bulgaria, foster families are a type of institutional care. It certainly seems to be much better for the children (assuming the foster family is loving), but it's still a temporary place for them. It's not permanent. R's and S's foster families signed papers stating that they do not want to adopt them. So, the kids still feel the uncertainty of not having a permanent family to call their own and parents who will love them and care for them regardless of their behavior or circumstances.

At least 3 Bulgarian couples visited R and S to see if they wanted to adopt them and declined. (This is a requirement in Bulgaria before children can be adopted out of the country.) Just thinking about R and S getting their hopes up when they had 'visitors,' only to never see them again, breaks my heart. I hope they will understand that we will be their parents forever. 

They are getting to the age when it's harder for children to get adopted. Many people want to adopt younger children. The children who age out of the system at age 18 have pretty grim prospects. In Eastern Europe, the girls are often trafficked into prostitution and the boys often end up drawn to a criminal lifestyle. They just aren't given the skills or resources or support to have many options, and are seen as outcasts, especially children of Roma (gypsy) descent.

The orphan care system and adoption process isn't perfect. In a perfect world, these children would be with family who have the means and desire to care for them. But for 153 million kids around the world, that isn't the case. (This is a UN estimate and includes children like R and S who may have a living parent but were abandoned.) 

So, like many things in life, adoption isn't perfect, but it's good. As hard as it is for R and S to leave what they know, we believe they will thrive knowing they have a permanent family and place in the world.

If you are interested in learning more about orphans and abandoned children and how to help them, we recommend a book we discovered: Orphan Justice by Johnny Carr.

Why is Adoption so Expensive?

This is probably the question we get asked the most about adoption. (Second place goes to, "do they speak English?" Answer: No.) 

Why is adoption so expensive? The short answer is: to protect the children.

That's what it all boils down to. Sometimes I tell people to think about it this way - if you had to spend $25,000 to $30,000 to rescue your child from the possibility of being trafficked or turning to a life of crime in another country, would you do it? Of course you would. (Domestic adoption is just as expensive, and sometimes the future for the orphaned or unwanted child is just as grim.) 

There are fees associated with everything in the adoption process, but when done properly (and as a Hague convention country, Bulgaria does it as properly as they can in this imperfect world), no one gets rich. There are costs when we travel (airfare, food); fees for our translator and the apartment or hotel we stay in; the various social workers (homestudy agency, placing agency, NGO in Bulgaria) need to earn a salary and they are definitely doing it because they love the work, not because it pays well. 

The orphanages and foster families need funds to provide for the children, and to screen and train staff and foster families to protect the children. FedEx. Fingerprinting. Copies. Translations. Apostille. Notary. Medical exams. None of the fees in themselves seems outrageous when you think about the work being done, but it does add up quickly.

In all, adopting R and S will cost at least $55,000. That does not include the things we need to buy to welcome them home - beds, clothes, shoes, toys, etc. - or the post-adoption report fees (I'm guessing at least another $5,000).

To date, we have contributed more than $30,000 to the adoption and we are trying to raise at least $25,000 to cover the remaining fees and travel. We've cut our budget in every way we can think of, Todd continues to drive his 1996 Mazda and he has also taken on extra work for the past couple of years to fund the adoption. We've had a few fundraisers, but now the fundraising begins in earnest.

If you would like to contribute to our adoption fund, keep reading the blog and I will update the Fundraising sidebar as we plan events. Just like all the little adoption fees add up, all the contributions add up, too. If you can only give $10, we would be grateful. Really and truly. If you can contribute something to the yard sale or Facebook auction, that would be awesome.

I used to question why adoption is so expensive, but now that we are on the "front lines," it makes sense. It's all about the kids.

About the Children

Well, of course, they are in a four-way tie for cutest, bestest kids in the world with their older brother and sister. But, besides that...

R is six years old and has a very sweet disposition. She tends to be shy and reserved, and hesitant around new experiences. Our translator said she has a mature way of speaking and is very polite and well mannered. During our Skype calls, she tends to hang back a bit - partly because of her shy nature and probably partly because S is not at all shy and likes to have the microphone!

R has a short frenulum linguae, which is just a fancy (Latin?) word for what most people call 'tied-tongue.' We can tell it affects her speech a little bit, but we are not sure if it will be treated with surgery (unlikely) or just some good speech therapy. She's never had speech therapy, so that might help her enough that we don't have to think about other options. 

R is a thinker. During our trip, we could see that she understood why we were there, and our translator confirmed that. After the first day with them, someone asked her a question about her mom and she said, "Do you mean my old mom or my new mom?" We all thought that was pretty profound for a six-year-old.

S is definitely more outgoing than R is. He's five years old (born a little less than 11 months after R), so I'm guessing they might be in the same grade when they eventually go to school. We don't think he really understood why we were visiting him, and hopefully his visits to the child psychologist will help him begin to understand the changes in store for him. He has been with his foster mother since he was 10 months old, so it's going to be quite an adjustment.

S likes his planes, trains, and automobiles. During out trip, we had to go to the local train station to see the train come in. We waited for about 40 minutes, playing with a ball and bubbles until the train finally came. There are some photos we have where S looks pretty worried that the train may not come! We're not sure what he'll do when he sees that there is a train literally right behind our house that goes by several times a day. (We didn't know it was there when we bought the house, but it doesn't take long to not notice it.) It may just be more excitement than he can handle.

S has a really cute laugh when he gets excited. I don't think I can describe it, you'll just have to hear it someday. 

S and R don't live in the same house right now - they are in neighboring foster homes, and they go to Kindergarten (what we would call preschool) together. So living together is going to be something new for both of them, and they don't always get along so well. It seems to be normal sibling behavior, but I think it will be good for them to have an older brother and sister around.

It's cool that even with the language barrier, we feel like we have a handle on their personalities and temperaments. And, we've learned how to say "no fighting" in Bulgarian!

Staying in Touch with Skype

We get to Skype with R and S every Friday morning. It's before work and school for us and early afternoon for them. It's such a blessing to see their cute faces every week and be able to communicate with them...though our Bulgarian needs some work! Fortunately, there is a social worker with them who knows enough English to help us out, and we mostly tell them that we love them, we miss them, they are pretty/handsome, and they are good children. What else do a 5- and 6-year-old really need to know?

R and S have been asking to see "batko M" (big brother M) and "kaka E" (big sister E). Last week, E showed R a Barbie doll and the translator quickly let us know that R does not have any Barbies and would like us to bring her one! And M showed S a model airplane...same story. S would like us to bring him one. So, now I know what to take on our next trip.

R and S call us mom and dad, tell us they love us, and ask us when we are coming to visit again. They are supposed to visit a child psychologist weekly who will help them understand exactly what is going to happen when we come for our next visit and the changes in store for them.

I can't imagine making this transition without the weekly Skype calls. It helps us and them to stay in touch and see each other every week, and I hope it gives the children confidence to know that we ARE coming for them. As we get closer to the travel date, we'll do a video tour of the house and the bedrooms they will share with M and E, so things at least look a little familiar when they get here.

When are they coming home?

June-ish.

We really don't know when R & S will be able to come home, but our best guess is sometime in June. (Note: to protect the children, we're not going to use their full names on the blog.) 

Here's a recap of the process to date:

• Apply to adoption agency - September 2011
• Begin homestudy -  October 2011
• Homestudy complete - March 2012
• Officially register with the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria - June 2012
• Wait to be matched with a child or children.
• Update homestudy - July 2013
• Wait some more.
• Receive a referral - January 8, 2014
• First trip to Bulgaria to meet the children - February 23 to March 1, 2014

In between the first and second trip, there are several things that have to happen before we can bring them home. First, we have to receive an I800 approval and Article 5 approval. Those are both from the U.S. government (one from Immigration, one from the U.S. Embassy in Sofia), approving R and S to immigrate from Bulgaria to the U.S. We received both of those approvals very quickly, thanks to our agency, which seems to be very on top of all the paperwork and the process.

Next, we wait for the Bulgarian Ministry of Justice to approve the adoption. Hopefully that will happen by mid-April and before any Easter holidays. Then, we have to get court approval in Bulgaria to adopt them. Once the court decree is issued (hopefully mid-May), we can schedule the trip to bring them home!

There is much to do to get ready - fundraising, getting the house ready, and just preparing the family for this huge change. So, we're keeping busy, but we do still miss them and are very thankful for the opportunity to Skype with them every Friday.

About Us and the Adoption

We (Todd and Lisa) talked about adoption even before we were married. We agreed that it was something we would do...one day. And that day is finally here!

Background

We met and got married in Atlanta, Georgia and our son was born there. When he was five months old, we moved to Richmond, Virginia for Todd to begin work on a PhD in clinical psychology. Lisa worked full time and life was pretty hectic. While we lived in Richmond, our daughter was born. We continued to talk about adoption as something we would do when life became more settled.

When our children were 4 and 1, we moved to Minneapolis for Todd to do an internship as part of his PhD requirements. We weren't sure what to expect since we would only be there for a year and it seemed so far away from what we knew, but we loved Minneapolis and quickly felt at home there.

After completing his dissertation and internship, Todd was able to find a full-time job as a staff psychologist at a VA hospital...back in Virginia. We began to settle here and talked again about adoption, but first we needed to get our finances in order. Todd was blessed to complete graduate school without any debt, but we were still in no position to begin funding an adoption. We worked to cut our expenses and Todd took on extra work teaching for Liberty University. Finally, we were ready!

Starting the Process

We began the paperwork for the adoption in the fall of 2011. We knew we wanted to do an international adoption and had several countries in mind. Bulgaria seemed like the best fit. Todd had been there 3 times to teach, so he was familiar with the country, and they had a good, solid, Hague-accredited program. We applied, were approved, and we waited.

The Children

Our social worker called on January 8, 2014 and we assumed it was just a check-in call since we weren't expecting a referral until the summer. We were shocked to learn that she had our referral! We were matched with a brother (age 5) and sister (age 6) in a small village in Bulgaria. Our first trip would be at the end of February and we would arrive in Bulgaria on Lisa's birthday.

Next Steps

We had a wonderful first trip and hope to go back to Bulgaria to bring the children home in June. In the meantime, we are getting our house ready and working to raise the $25,000 we need to complete the adoption.