The Desires of Your Heart

When you apply for an adoption, your homestudy has to state the age, gender, and special needs of the child or children you want to adopt. Our homestudy said that we wanted to adopt either a girl between the ages of 18 months and 7 years old or a boy and girl who are siblings between the ages of 18 months and 7 years old. Following that, there is a long list of special needs we were open to considering.

We talked about adopting children even before we were married, but never had detailed discussions until we began filling out paperwork. It turned out we both thought a boy-girl sibling group would work well with our family, so it was easy to commit to that in the homestudy.

During the time we waited for a referral, I thought we would probably be referred just one child, a girl. There were reasons for this. I didn't see many sibling groups in our age range on the waiting children list, and we had repeatedly been told that sibling groups do not come up for adoption as often as single children. 

But the real reason? The real reason was I didn't trust God to give me the desire of my heart. I was setting myself up not to be disappointed if we were referred one child, since the picture of adoption for me had always been a brother and sister. (And in that picture, the girl was older than the boy...exactly like Naomi and Simon.)

I believe God does give us the desires of our heart, though sometimes he does that by changing our desires rather than giving us what we originally thought we wanted. [What about suffering? Hardships? Illness? Are we supposed to desire those things? The short answer is no, we shouldn't desire suffering or even enjoy it. But we can feel God's love in the midst of it.] 

I have seen time and time again that when God puts a good desire on my heart, he makes it come to fruition, whether that means arranging circumstances, providing financially, or giving me strength in things that don't come naturally.

Parenting is hard these days. Some wise friends who have gone on this journey ahead of us have said things like, "it's never perfect, but it's good." I know there is no way I'll have the words, the patience, the kindness, the love, or the understanding that all four children need. But I know that since God put the desire for adoption on my heart, He'll give me those things, too, if I let him. If I can be still and let Him work rather than trying so hard to do it in my own strength, my own timing, and with my own expectations. Letting go of my performance-oriented mindset to just love them and let God work through me is hard, but it's the only way.

Random Thoughts 2.20.2015

It's been one of those weeks...the kids have been out of school all week, so I haven't had much time to think, much less put coherent words together to make a blog post. Actually, even when the kids are in school, it can be hard! So, I'm going to copy another blogger I like and just throw out some random thoughts, since I know many of our readers supported us in many ways (prayer, financial, etc.) through the adoption and want to know how everyone is doing. So, here goes...

1. One concern we've had is how we would handle the kids in the summer. I've read over and over that adopted kids thrive on routine and that summers can be difficult. One thing this week out of school has shown me is that it won't be as bad as I thought! Yes, it's hard and tiring, and I will need to create structure for the day when it doesn't exist, but we did better than expected this week.

2. Of course, it could all fall apart in the next five minutes.

3. The kids all had more electronics than I would like this week. At least the little ones were watching PBS and it was neat to hear them talking back to the TV during shows like Super Why, but still...I'll need to plan more to make sure the summer isn't one big electronic fest.

4. If I want to enroll the kids in some summer programs, I need to get a job! Unfortunately, the county does not offer summer school for young children. It's all driven by SOLs, etc. 

5. Naomi was diagnosed by her OT with Sensory Processing Disorder. It wasn't a surprise after what the OT said during her evaluation, but it does mean some challenges for her (and us). Luckily, the OT she worked with was very good and we just set up some sessions with her. Please pray our insurance will cover it - most don't with this diagnosis.

6. Naomi has a child study meeting next week. The whole IEP arena is new to us, so I feel a little unprepared to advocate for her, but her school has been amazing so far, so I'm trusting they will continue to support her.

7. Super Nanny is coming next week. Not really, but that's the name Todd has given a counselor who is coming to see us. She specializes in internationally adopted children and is going to videotape our interactions with the kids, hence the Super Nanny name. We are struggling with the best way to respond to some of their behaviors and help them. We could keep stumbling through and wait awhile, but we want to make home life more pleasant for every one, so we're getting some help.

8. Todd has made a dinner reservation for tomorrow night and his mom is coming in town to watch the kids. It's a surprise - I love surprises - and I'm hoping the weather cooperates.

Groundhog Day

Even though I grew up in Pennsylvania, I've never been much of a Groundhog Day fan. It always seemed a little silly - I don't remember a February where there WASN'T at least six more weeks of winter. And I can never remember if seeing the shadow means more or less winter. And it's always cloudy in PA in February, so how can Phil see a shadow with no sun...you get the idea.

One of our older children mentioned the movie Groundhog Day the other day. They had seen part of it (but not from the beginning) so they didn't quite 'get' it. You really do need to see it from the beginning, and see the progression of the Bill Murray character, to understand it.

The mention of the movie and Groundhog Day got me thinking about the progress we're making at home. Many days feel Groundhog Day-ish (the movie) to me. The same thing, over and over. Naomi teases Simon. Simon hits Naomi. Naomi screams. Simon apologizes. Naomi laughs at him when he apologizes. Simon gets mad that she can't seem to stop laughing/teasing at inappropriate times. Repeat. Same thing the next day (or the next hour). Again.

If I look back to where we were six months ago, there is a definite improvement. It's just hard to see it or feel it in the day-to-day. I don't remember the entire Groundhog Day movie, but it seems that Bill Murray's character, through living those quotidian details over and over, gets the 'hang' of life and changes for the better. 

So, rather than get frustrated by the sameness of it all, I'm trying to see each day as an opportunity to change their character for the better, even though many days it feels like we are 'stuck' in the same pattern of behavior. By working on our responses and trying different things, we are seeing different behaviors in the children, slowly but surely.

Update: Six Months Home

We brought Naomi and Simon home on July 31, 2014. We were supposed to arrive a day earlier but were delayed by a worldwide outage in the U.S. passport and visa computer system. It left many adoptive families 'in limbo' in other countries while they waited for visas for their children to be printed. 

For most of the adoption process, I thought just getting the kids home was the goal we were working toward. Completing the paperwork, raising money, getting the house ready. I now know that getting them home was really just the beginning of a long transition process. 

Six months home seems like a pretty big milestone - half a year. In some ways, it seems like a long time and in other ways, it's gone by quickly. So, for those of you home less than six months or looking for encouragement, hang in there. Stay the course. Day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute some days, but you will get there and some things will get easier.

Yesterday someone asked me how long they had been home and when I said six months, they said, "well, that's hardly any time at all." Many days feel incredibly long, but she's right. In their whole lifetime or even childhood, six months is not much time, and I should probably use that attitude to adjust some of my expectations of them.

Language

We knew that learning a new language, especially when immersed, was usually pretty easy for kids Naomi and Simon's ages. Many people asked us, "do they speak any English?" and were slightly horrified when we answered, "no, not a bit," but we weren't worried. We probably learned more Bulgarian than most adoptive parents (according to folks in Bulgaria) since there were two of them and we didn't want them conspiring against us. 

Overall, language has come quickly to them and I'm pretty sure they understand most (if not all) of what we say. So, no more talking about them in front of them! Simon especially can carry on a conversation, explain activities or feelings, and sometimes help us understand Naomi. Naomi's speech has come more slowly, but we think they both have already surpassed their Bulgarian vocabulary and grammar based on what translators in Bulgaria told us.

Simon can recognize most letters and is starting to read a bit, which is pretty amazing if you think about how he had never seen an American alphabet six months ago. He at least realizes that letters stand for sounds that make up words, which I think is a big part of learning to read. Naomi still struggles with retaining information and it will be a long road for her. Her school has been wonderful in providing extra help and now that she knows enough English, she will soon have some formal testing done so we know how to best help her.

Routine and Behavior

Both Naomi and Simon have settled into a pretty good routine at home and at school. They understand our expectations and we often say, "this is how we do things (or more often, don't do things) in our family." That being said, they do not always agree with our expectations or want to follow our directions. We continue to work on behaviors that are probably more common in toddlers than school-age children and I have to remind myself that is considered normal for adopted kids.

There are also cultural differences. It's difficult to change behaviors that were ingrained in them since birth or soon after. We often say, "in America..." to try to explain why things are different or we say, "if you did that at school, what would happen?" Because while they may not want to obey us, they definitely don't want to disappoint their teachers or have a visit to the principal!

Family Relations

For the last few years, Naomi and Simon lived in separate foster families in the same small village. So while they knew they were brother and sister, they probably only had a vague sense of what that meant and they are not used to living together. Or playing together. Or eating together. Or riding in the car together. Like many siblings close in age (10.5 months apart), they can be each other's best friends and each other's worst enemies. Not only do they have to get used to a new country, new parents, and new older siblings, they need to get used to each other. This wasn't something we really thought much about before bringing them home and it has been a challenge.

Considering what a huge change this is, Miles and Ella have done very well. We all mourn the loss of our old life together and have tried to maintain some of our old traditions and take the older ones out for 'dates' most weekends, even if it's just to ride along on errands Todd and I have to do. And the little ones are usually in bed by 7:45 so that gives us some quiet time with the older two.

Attachment

Attachment is the big thing people talk about in adopted kids. Are they attached to you? Are you attached to them? Some people recommend "cocooning" for the first six months home - not letting the children go to school or church or much of anywhere - you just stay home and bond. Others recommend getting them into school and a routine as soon as possible. 

We chose to send Naomi and Simon to school when it began about a month after they arrived home and it was definitely the right decision for us. It allows them to be in a routine, which they definitely need; to learn English more quickly, which helps them in their bonding to us; and it gives me time to do the things I couldn't do with them in tow, like shop for groceries, exercise, and other errands and appointments.

Since they went to school right away, we have kept their world small in other ways. They aren't in any after-school activities, haven't been to Kroger or other big stores, and have attended church on a fairly limited basis. Now that it's been six months, we'll begin to expand their world a bit, but we'll do it slowly and purposefully.

So, are they attached? Not fully, and I that's OK. I think they mostly trust us to provide for their basic needs and to take care of them, which is a big step. Of course, some days they think Sponge Bob is a basic need and we have to disagree. Are we attached to them? Not fully, and that's OK, too. It takes time and it's hard and it may never feel like it does with our biological children, and that's OK, too. Not that we shouldn't strive for that and help them in any way we can, but it's a process that takes time. (And energy. And patience. And letting go of expectations and the need to be in control. But that's another blog post.)

The Next Six Months

We are getting connected with various support groups and counselors to help us parent all the children the best we can and to help them through whatever issues arise. Naomi will be tested for learning disabilities and we will probably get an IEP in place that will address whatever her issues are. We've already been for an occupational therapy evaluation and are waiting on the written results to schedule ongoing appointments. I will need to come up with a plan for this summer. They will need some kind of structure and routine, which is not one of my strengths, so I'll need help.

And we'll continue to plug away at understanding them, loving them, and making them a part of our family.