The Desires of Your Heart

When you apply for an adoption, your homestudy has to state the age, gender, and special needs of the child or children you want to adopt. Our homestudy said that we wanted to adopt either a girl between the ages of 18 months and 7 years old or a boy and girl who are siblings between the ages of 18 months and 7 years old. Following that, there is a long list of special needs we were open to considering.

We talked about adopting children even before we were married, but never had detailed discussions until we began filling out paperwork. It turned out we both thought a boy-girl sibling group would work well with our family, so it was easy to commit to that in the homestudy.

During the time we waited for a referral, I thought we would probably be referred just one child, a girl. There were reasons for this. I didn't see many sibling groups in our age range on the waiting children list, and we had repeatedly been told that sibling groups do not come up for adoption as often as single children. 

But the real reason? The real reason was I didn't trust God to give me the desire of my heart. I was setting myself up not to be disappointed if we were referred one child, since the picture of adoption for me had always been a brother and sister. (And in that picture, the girl was older than the boy...exactly like Naomi and Simon.)

I believe God does give us the desires of our heart, though sometimes he does that by changing our desires rather than giving us what we originally thought we wanted. [What about suffering? Hardships? Illness? Are we supposed to desire those things? The short answer is no, we shouldn't desire suffering or even enjoy it. But we can feel God's love in the midst of it.] 

I have seen time and time again that when God puts a good desire on my heart, he makes it come to fruition, whether that means arranging circumstances, providing financially, or giving me strength in things that don't come naturally.

Parenting is hard these days. Some wise friends who have gone on this journey ahead of us have said things like, "it's never perfect, but it's good." I know there is no way I'll have the words, the patience, the kindness, the love, or the understanding that all four children need. But I know that since God put the desire for adoption on my heart, He'll give me those things, too, if I let him. If I can be still and let Him work rather than trying so hard to do it in my own strength, my own timing, and with my own expectations. Letting go of my performance-oriented mindset to just love them and let God work through me is hard, but it's the only way.