Our Parenting Resources

We were kind of stumped on some of the kids' behavior issues and some of the family dynamics we're experiencing. How can we make it better for everyone? More pleasant? More quiet? Less stressful? More joyful? Did I mention more quiet?! 

Someone recently asked if we felt prepared before the adoption to take on these children and the answer is: yes...and no. We took classes, read books, and studied techniques, but I'm not sure anything can prepare you for the day-to-day reality of it, and much of it depends on the dynamics between family members, for which you can't totally prepare.

Also, since our children were in foster care, I thought they might not have some of the behaviors seen in 'children from hard places.' I was wrong. Certainly their behaviors are not as intense as what I read about on other blogs or Facebook groups, but the underlying trauma of loss, abandonment, fear, and insecurity is still there and creates issues for them. I just didn't expect it to be so different from parenting biological children, but scientific research and anecdotal evidence clearly says it is, and many of the techniques required don't come naturally to Todd and me.

Here are four things we're doing to help us:

1. We are watching a video on a parenting technique called TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention). The video is from the TCU Institute of Child Development and I highly recommend it. We haven't quite finished the four-hour video. It's pretty intense stuff to watch, but it's already been very helpful. One of my favorite lines from it is, "this is not parenting as usual." It's therapeutic parenting, which requires a lot of energy, patience, wisdom, and help.

2. We watched a movie called The Dark Matter of Love. It's about a family in Wisconsin who adopts three children from Russia and the adjustment period for the parents, an older biological daughter, and the adopted children. In some ways, it was like watching our life on screen and we laughed at many parts that wouldn't be funny to anyone else. The movie shows their family life over the first year they are home, and is also a science lesson in parent-child attachment with a UVA specialist, Dr. Robert Marvin. It was comforting to see that though our struggles at times seem big, they are 'normal' for adopted children and families. 

3 A counselor who specializes in international adoptions visited our home a couple of weeks ago. For brevity sake, we call her Super Nanny since she filmed the family interacting. She is trained in TBRI and trained with Dr. Marvin at UVA, so she knows her stuff. (If anyone in Virginia would like her name, please message me via the blog or Facebook.) She said that Simon and Naomi are doing well in the attachment arena. At one point I said, "but they're on their best behavior! You aren't seeing their worst moments." And she said, "at least they have best behavior. Many children I work with couldn't do this activity for 10 seconds, much less 30 minutes." So, we have much work to do with them, and it will be a lifelong process, but at least we are starting from a place of strength and have a bond on which to grow.

4. I'm helping to organize an Empowered to Connect simulcast in Roanoke. Empowered to Connect conferences are a partnership between the child development people at TCU (Karyn Purvis who wrote The Connected Child) and Show Hope, an orphan advocacy organization. The conferences are supposed to be wonderful and this is the first time they are offering a simulcast, so I'm very excited about it.

I hope some of this is helpful to others on this journey - whether you are preparing to bring children home, have them home already, know someone who is adopting, or even need resources for your biological children.